grief

[muddy bob]

Do any of you remember how long it took to get over a loss? DH says I was about the same last time but to me it feels worse. But last time I had a new puppy to care for. It was sort of a sweet sorrow.

 

muddy

[BustopherJones]

Speaking only for myself, the answer is...never. I have endured the passage of too many canine and feline friends over to Rainbow Bridge. I learned to live with the pain; but the memories of those loving and unselfish friends is with me every day. The pain diminishes over time, but it never goes away. Nor would I want it to; for, you see, that ache also means that they never depart from my heart, and that along with the sorrow there is also the loving memories, and the joy and celebration of whatever time we were privileged to have together.

[doubleofarm]

I lost my dear sweet Jaff to epilepsy almost 2 months ago (he wasn't even 3 yet). I was in tears again last night when something reminded me of him. It takes a very long time and I think certain animals take longer. I cared for Jaff every waking and non-sleeping hour due to his seizures. My life revolved around him and trying to "fix" his disease. I think that is why his death has lingered so long and is so raw for me.

 

I actually have lost 3 dogs in less than 5 months and it seemed to get worse with each one. Maybe because I wasn't over the other one when another death happened. One was a brain tumor, one was old age with blindness, deafness, severe arthritis and dementia and one was epilepsy. They were all hard but Jaff is the worst. I still really miss him. I still have 2 dogs but he was "the life of the party" dog and it is very quiet at my house.

[Jack & Co.]

Muddy, we grieved for our old Cocker for 4 years. It still doesn't take too much discussion about him to have us all teary-eyed. He was such a good boy.

[bc friend]

For me it depends on the circumstances around the death. I've lost 2 dogs and 1 cat within the past 5 yrs. The cat was 23 and was only sick about a month (strokes) - it took about 6 months before I could remember the good times w/o crying. Cassie (cocker) was 17, had cancer the last 18 months and was ready to go - my grieving period was much shorter, not because she was less loved, but because I had had time to prepare and knew it was time. I lost Meg (bc)in 11/04 and am still teary-eyed - she was only 9, sick for only a few days before she went into cardiac arrest from rare lung cancer complications - she had not even been diagnosed before she died. While I'm glad she died w/o suffering (not that I would have her), it has been very hard to lose her so unexpectedly and so young - typically my pets live into their mid-late teens. Sorry this is so long but as you can tell, it is an emotional subject for me.

[hoku's mum]

I still get teary thinking of Spencer, who we said good bye to 4 years ago. But now its with a smile mixed in, and I think it will always be that way. They get so deep in your heart, that I don't think you ever stop grieving their loss. But that is not necessarily a bad thing, I think the grieving just changes, and gets a sweetness to it. You remember the good things, and the bad just fade or morph into funny memories. Just as a new dog in your life doesn't *replace* your lost one, only brings smiles and helps the hurt mellow into memory. Let your self feel what your going through, and you will move through it faster. It's OK to feel sad. I cry like a baby at sad movies and such, and its a good release. Then I can smile again, laugh at myself for crying like a baby!

 

Kristin

[urge to herd]

I had to put Tillie down 16 years ago in September, 2 and a half weeks after my mom died. I still tear up when I think about it, and am grateful that I had her as long as I did, and that I could be with her when she died.

 

I don't think the pain ever goes away, but that we remember the love and joy and connection a bit more with each week and month that passes, until finally, the great outweighs the painful.

 

Ruth n the BC3

[Tiga's_mom]

I don't think you ever really get over it. You just learn how to cope with it. Never be afraid to feel emotions. I always say that you're body is designed to feel those things for a reason. I don't hold much back. If I'm sad, I cry. If I'm happy, I laugh. If I'm angry, I let myself be angry and punch a pillow or something. It's natural to feel like the hurt will never stop, but it will ease in time. My thoughts are with you.

[nancy]

It was 10 years from when we had to have Vamp - our labs/shepherd who helped us raise our kids - put down at ~15 until we were ready to adopt Fergie. We had 2 cats die (one was 6 months older than Vamp, one 4 years younger) and had gotten another cat. Well, our son (age 12) claimed he found her in the woods - but he'd gotten her from a friend.

 

But we had such a bond with Vamp that we didn't feel ready to establish such a bond again. Thank goodness for that first trip to Yorkshire. We got Ferg a year later. But the one dog at the one B&B (Fergie, of course) set things going.

[Meg's mum]

I waited 25 years to have another dog, another BC. About every other day I think about getting my scanner going so that I can post a picture of my late friend. I keep thinking that if I do that here, I can honor her in some way and stop tearing up when I remember the look in her eyes when she outwitted me.

[Dixie_Girl]

I don't think you can ever get over it. I think the pain starts to give way to the great memories. And sometimes the "timeline" depends on the circumstances. For instance, when my lil weenie dog, Schultzie, died, it was easier to deal with because she was very old and blind and was really not enjoying life as much. So, I was able to say to myself, well, she is better off. When my collie/GSD Bandit died, it was much worse because it was like 4hrs notice that something was wrong. And he was only 7, with no other health probs. So he was much harder to get over. But I think the worse thing is when people think there should be a certain time frame for grieving. I say, it takes as long as it takes. And you should not feel it should take X amount of time.

[Tammy525]

Anybody agree that grief compounds over time? When you start grieving a new loss, it takes you right back to other losses, and though the most recent loss may feel the most acute, you sorrow over the ones already gone at the same time. As the list grows longer, it seems natural that the grief might grow longer?

 

My best helper is to talk, talk, talk, and talk some more. Of course to an understanding ear.... not everyone is regarding pet loss.

 

Here is my theory of grief: I tell myself that when there is a new loss, there is a grief debt. Each time I have a big grieving time, I was making a payment on that debt. Only God knew how big the debt was, but the more embarrassing the scene of grieving, the bigger I told myself the payment was and I would be over it that much sooner. (worst I remember is having to lock myself in a med room at work when the childrens' Christmas Carolers came through!!!) This helped me give myself permission to grieve as long as I needed to. No one else could tell me what my total debt was, so I just kept making payments until I was paid up!

 

I am not saying you ever really get over it, but there comes a time when there are at least as many smiles as tears over a memory.

 

Sorry so long, can you tell I've spent a lot of time grieving?....

[Jen C]

My last dog was my childhood dog - she died when I was a senior in high school - about 12 years ago. I don't think the pain ever fully disappears, but the pain does make room for the memories that will allow you to smile instead of cry when you think of your beloved companion. For us, still when I visit my parents and a tidbit falls on the floor, we all still pause for a second, before we realize jess isn't going to come flying out of nowhere to snatch it up before anyone "realizes" that such a prize had fallen... I used to cry each time she didn't appear - now we smile and say, "wow - she was a great dog!"

[Kerrigan]

It varies - grief is a very personal thing. I also think how long it can take may depend on the circumstances. My old Lab, Sassy, was a 21st birthday present and she saw me through a lot during my 20's and early 30's. She was 13 1/2 when we had to put her to sleep, but it still gets me extremely teary just thinking about her. She was truly something special. The last Lab I had was also a special dog, but he was diagnosed with cancer at 9.5 yrs and I had time to prepare myself for losing him. I think his passing was a little easier for me because I had more time to say my goodbyes.

 

Try to focus as much as you can on all the good times with your dog when you think about her. This sounds so cliched, but it really does get better with time. Also remember that you have a whole bunch of people on this board who understand what you are going through and we are all here for you.

 

((hugs))

[Allie Oop]

Everyone's experience is different, but I think that you never completely get over the loss of a beloved pet. However, time does ease the terrible pain a bit and I can now look at pictures of my previous dog, Kamp (he died of Cancer last August) without bursting into tears.

 

When you are ready, looking at photos, buying memorial markers/plants/trees, etc. can help you ease some of the pain.

 

Best wishes,

[KrisK]

I don't know if grief ever goes away. Some days are better than others. After 7 years, and with a life full of wonderful dogs, I still miss my Brandy.

 

I hope this will help.

 

the author is Ben Hur Lampman

 

We are thinking now of a setter, whose coat was flame in the sunshine and who, so far as we are aware, never entertained a mean or an unworthy thought. This setter is buried beneath a cherry tree, under four feet of garden loam, and at its proper season the cherry strews petals on the green lawn of his grave. Beneath a cherry tree or an apple or any flowering shrub of the garden is an excellent place to bury a good dog. Beneath such trees, such shrubs, he slept in the drowsy summer or gnawed at a flavorful bone or lifted head to challenge some strange intruder.

 

These are good places, in life or in death. Yet it is a small matter. For if the dog be well-remembered, if sometimes he leaps through your dreams actual as in life, eyes kindling, laughing, begging, it matters not at all where the dog sleeps. On a hill where the wind is unrebuked and the trees are roaring, or beside a stream he knew in puppy hood, or somewhere in the flatness of a pastureland, where most exhilarating cattle graze. It is all one to the dog and all one to you, and nothing is gained and nothing is lost .... if memory lives.

 

But there is one best place to bury a dog. If you bury him in this spot, he will come to you when you call -- come to you over the grim, dim frontiers of death, and down the well-remembered path, and to your side again. And though you call a dozen living dogs to heel they shall not growl at him, nor resent his coming, for he belongs there. People may scoff at you, who see no lightest blade of grass bent by his footfall, who hear no whimper, people who may never really have had a dog. Smile at them, for you shall know something that is hidden from them, and which is well worth the knowing.

 

The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master.

 

From the Portland Oregonian, Sept. 11, 1925. By Ben Hur Lamp

[Dixie_Girl]

I love that! Thanks for posting it.

[Joe Anne]

WOW Kris... (((sigh through blurry eyes))), beautiful... and this proves that it never really goes away because my heart is a pet cemetary for sure! and I laugh and cry for them all. They each have their special place in my heart and memories. Each one taught me something that no human ever could have.

I sorta feel sorry for anyone who has never loved a dog or cat or bunny or any precious animal, they really don't know what they are missing.

After years of working in a (human) hospital and having dogs and various furry, feathered shelled and scaled critters all my life, I have learned that everyone grieves in their own personal way. I learned along time ago never to question or critisize anyone for how or how long they grieve.

Like others have said, it takes as long as it takes...period. There is no time limit and for some of us it never stops hurting.

Everytime I lose one of my precious friends, I wonder why I keep doing this to myself, loving...losing...loving again....losing again??? it hurts sooooo bad... then splat!!! here comes a big sloppy tongue on my face, licking off my tears, with ears back and eyes that look right straight through my heart to my very soul... and I get my answer and know til my last breath there will ALWAYS be a fur baby (or other critter friend) in my life.

Love is timeless, knows no boundries, and as long as the memories are in our hearts, love never dies.

[muddy bob]

Thanks for sharing. I just feel so ripped off. I can't get rid of this horrible constricted feeling around my neck whenever I think about her.

All my others were ready to go. I don't think this one was. But I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that can still shed tears over the ones I lost years ago.

Tammy, I think you are right about the compounding of grief.

Kris, that was such a lovely thing you shared.

Thanks again.

 

muddy

[Beth G]

I had my last dog for almost 11 years and I had to put her down a little over a year ago.

 

Granted she had her share of problems. Among them: tumours, pancreatic failure, and bad arthritis.

 

But I didn't want to let her go. (Humane nature can be selfish eh?)And I know she would have hung on longer FOR ME.

 

But I didn't want to see her suffer like that. It wasn't fair to her.

 

Yet I sometimes regret letting her go. I wanted more time with her. She was my everything. We fit together like a hand and glove.

 

She was a little mutt rescue I took in to re-home- because no one else wanted her.

 

In all honesty, she was the best dog I have EVER been owned by!!!

 

I still cry when I think of her. So I think it just all depends on alot of things. You, the dog, the relationshiop(how close you were), and how you deal with the grief. I know it can take a long time sometimes. It never goes away but it does lessen. Take your time. Allow yourself to grief. Don't feel guiltly. No matter what some people may say about grieving for our furry friends.

 

The way I look at it, they are not just dogs- they are our friends.

[Dal & Mad's Mom]

This type of topic can make me cry Kirby died a year aog this week and it still hurts a bit. I cant wait to see him in heaven.

 

I will say it isnt every day it hurts anymore but, at times I still feel such a sense of loss.

[KrisK]

I just feel so ripped off.

That probably makes the grief even more profound. There were 'things to do, places to go and not enough time to do it'.

I guess when things like this happen, whether to us or with someone we know, it serves as a good reminder about how we shouldn't life for granted, whether its our dogs, our families, our friends. We just never know do we?

Jo-Anne, you said it all when you wonder WHY, we put ourselves through it time and again. Because in the end, our lives would be so diminished without them.

[BustopherJones]

Pet Loss Myths

By Larry Kaufman, M.S., LMFT

 

"I didn't know anyone else felt as deeply as I do towards animals" a number of people have confided in me. When it comes to your love of animals, you may not be as alone as you think! Some pet owners are extraordinarily attached and dedicated to their animal companions. So when their good (or best) friends die - or otherwise leave their lives - they are heartbroken and sometimes devastated.

 

Since more and more animal lovers are "coming out of the closet," fewer animal lovers are feeling as alone with their intense pet-related grief. More and more animal lovers are openly talking about their deep bonds with their furred, feathered, finned, and scaled friends. Peoples' attitudes towards pet loss have really changed in the last 40 years - especially in the last decade. Despite growing enlightenment, misperceptions about pet loss still persist. These myths hinder healthy mourning. Here are some of the myths followed by the realities.

 

Myth: People who experience intense grief over the loss or anticipated loss of a pet are crazy, weird, or strange.

Reality: Individuals who say this, or believe this, are judgmental. Experiencing powerful feelings of distress over the loss of a loved animal companion is, usually, normal and healthy. People who have strong feelings about the loss of a pet have them because they are capable of intimate attachments and deep emotional bonding. This is something to be proud of, not something to put down.

 

Myth: Pet loss is insignificant when compared to the loss of human life. To mourn the loss of a pet devalues the importance of human relationships.

Reality: The loss of a beloved animal companion can be as emotionally significant, even more significant, than the loss of a human friend or relative. People are capable of simultaneously loving and caring about both animals and humans. One doesn't have to detract from the other.

 

Myth: It is best to replace the lost pet as quickly as possible. This will ease the pain of loss.

Reality: Animal companions cannot be "replaced." They are not interchangeable. They are all separate, different individuals with unique personalities. People need to feel emotionally ready to get another pet before they can successfully adopt a new animal into their hearts and family. Some people attempt to avoid the mourning process by rushing out to get a "replacement" pet. This isn't good for people or for the pets.

 

Myth: It is best to mourn alone. This is a way to be strong and independent, and not burden others with your problems. Besides, you need to protect yourself from being ridiculed for loving and missing your special animal friend.

Reality: It takes courage to reach out to others. Mourners can greatly benefit by the empathy, caring, and understanding of supportive others. But be selective about where you turn to for help since some people do not take pet loss seriously.

 

Myth: Resolution and closure (a bringing to an end; conclusion) to mourning occurs when you have succeeded in having only pleasant memories of your pet.

Reality: It is rare that anyone ever achieves complete resolution or closure to a profound loss. One is left with psychological scars, if not with incompletely healed wounds. It is unrealistic to expect that you will one day be left with only pleasant memories. Besides, being left with only pleasant memories is one-sided and doesn't present a balanced view of reality - not a goal that would be healthy or valuable to pursue. One cannot fully appreciate pleasant memories unless one has unpleasant memories to contrast them with.

 

Myth: It is selfish to euthanize your pet.

Reality: Euthanasia is a compassionate and humane way to end the intense suffering or declining quality of life of a companion animal. Viewed in this context, it would be selfish to unnecessarily prolong the suffering of a seriously ill or injured animal. Ask yourself this: Whose needs and best interests are being served - those of the owner or animal companion?

 

Myth: In journeying through the bereavement process mourners go through five predictable step-by-step stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Reality: Thirty-three years ago Elisabeth Kubler-Ross presented her theory on how people who are dying cope with their upcoming deaths in her pioneering book, On Death and Dying. Neither the research literature nor the observations of therapists and scholars have supported her claims. It is more accurate to speak of the mourning process as being unique for each individual. This process proceeds through three general phases - beginning, middle, and end.

 

Myth: The best way to cope with unpleasant loss related feelings and thoughts is to suppress and bury them. Keep busy so as to not dwell on your troubles.

Reality: Upsetting feelings and thoughts will not just go away. They will, instead, go underground (become unconscious) and later return - causing you problems. Achieve a balance by thinking and talking about what is upsetting you when you are able, but avoid overdoing it. Know your limits.

 

Myth: When a person starts talking with sadness about missing his/her pet it is best to redirect their attention to pleasant memories they have about the pet.

Reality: This may be an example where the listener has good intentions but will produce bad effects by his/her response. People who talk about their unpleasant feelings are looking for a receptive ear. Redirecting the conversation or changing the subject reflects the discomfort of the listener rather than the needs of the mourner.

 

Myth: Time heals all wounds. Just give it enough time and you will no longer feel so bad.

Reality: Time by itself does not heal the pain of grief related loss. It's what you do with your time that matters. Some people suffer the harsh or even traumatic effects of pet loss for years, or even a lifetime. A successful course of mourning requires intentional hard work.

 

Myth: The best way to protect yourself from the pain of pet loss is to not get another pet.

Reality: Depriving yourself of an animal companion is a very high price to pay to help insure yourself against experiencing another painful loss. Instead, you may wish to summon up the courage to put in the effort necessary to work through your mourning related psychological issues. Despite your pains of loss you can still look forward to one day sharing happiness, pleasure, and joy, with a new and unique animal companion. It is an unfortunate fact that one of the prices we pay for loving so deeply is to suffer deeply when the bonds with our cherished animal friends are broken.

 

Myth: Children handle pet loss rather easily. That which occurs in childhood has little carryover into adult life.

Reality: Just because children do not react as overtly as adults, or communicate directly with words, does not mean they aren't experiencing strong reactions inside. Not infrequently, the loss of a pet (whether by death or another cause) is the first significant loss the child will have experienced. The profound effects of this loss, and how parents or other caregivers handle it, might reverberate in the child for many years to come.

 

Myth: It is best to protect children from the upsetting truth of what has happened to their pet.

Reality: Some parents/caregivers think they are helping their child - sparing them pain - when they do not tell him or her that their pet has died. They sometimes make up a story that they gave the pet away or that the pet ran away. What the parents don't realize in doing this is that through their well intentioned lies and deceits they are undermining the trust their child has in them, and paradoxically, causing the child much more pain in the long run. Some children, for example, will unfairly blame themselves for their pet "running away."

 

Myth: Pets don't mourn for other pets.

Reality: Some companion animals develop strong bonds with other pets in the household and they will show some of the same kinds of symptoms of mourning as people do - such as loss of appetite, "searching" for the missed loved one, and acting depressed.

 

Myth: Pet loss is something you should be able to "get over" on your own. There is no need for someone to see a professional pet loss counselor in order to deal with this.

Reality: Some people have a self-interested need for you to "get over" your pet related mourning as soon as possible, before you are ready to do so. They feel uncomfortable with your distress. If, for example, you broke an arm you would go to a physician to get help. So why wouldn't you see a human-animal bond specialist to get help for a broken heart? This can be seen as an investment in your mental health and peace of mind.

 

Overcoming these myths can be difficult - for maintaining these beliefs does have some advantages. But those who don't work through their feelings and reactions about mourning are likely to experience a variety of physical, intellectual, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual symptoms later. It's very hard to learn new and healthier ways of feeling, thinking, and behaving, but the many benefits are worth the effort.

[Dixie_Girl]

Very good article! I need to print that up!

 

I don't remember where I read/heard this but, a vet was called to the home of a family who had a beloved dog that needed to be put to sleep. The family consisted of a mother, father, and and 8yr old boy. The vet asked if the parents were sure about the child being there and the parents said, yes, he loved the dog very much, and felt he should be there. When the vet arrived, they had the dog on a nice big comfy pillow and they gathered round, and talked and petted the dog as the doc prepared the meds. They petted the dog and cried as the doc adminestered the meds and then when the dog took his last breath. They still sat, crying, then the woman blurted out that she just didn't know why dogs could not live longer! After a few minutes of silence the little boy, quietly said, I know. They all looked at him, and he continued. He said, aren't we all here on earth suppose to learn to be kind and love one another and to be good? Everyone agreed. Then he said, well, dogs already know that.

[jrid]

My first dog as a semi adult was a beagle coonhound mix. She has been dead for at least 15 years and I still think about her every single day. She was my true blue best friend and traveling companion. I will miss her until the day I die.