Husbands who don't understand...

[Mark Billadeau]

yes, we both train and compete

[rushdoggie]

Even if the pup doesn't work out, I am going to have to deal with this misunderstanding sooner or later. That being said, has anyone else dealt with a husband or been in a similar situation to this? How did you handle it? Is this situation a good candidate for "better to ask forgiveness than permission"? How do I communicate to him how important this is to me?

 

 

And: if my DH did something I was against behind my back, knowing we had already talked about it and I said that I wouldn't like it, that would be a major thing. A major, major thing. That would tell me he had no respect for my feelings. To me its much worse than if we had argued and I said "I need to do this anyways."

 

In fact, its one of the reasons my ex husband is an ex.

 

If this puppy is really that important to you, you need to come to an agreement. What you want matters too,

[Smalahundur]

yes, we both train and compete

Well, I don´t want to nitpick here, but then your understanding of her obsession doesn´t really count now does it, you share the madness .

Must be nice. I am still trying to infect my wife with the virus, no luck so far.

But at least we both ride horseback, and she loves dogs/animals in general, so no complaints here!

[JohnLloydJones]

I may be causing trouble here, but from my own experience (with my wife -- roles are reversed) is that it is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

[PSmitty]

 

I may be causing trouble here, but from my own experience (with my wife -- roles are reversed) is that it is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 

No, no, no.

[Shetlander]

I may be causing trouble here, but from my own experience (with my wife -- roles are reversed) is that it is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

That really depends. For some people, it is a deal breaker or at the very least, the cause of a lot of very hard feelings and angry words. Probably why some shelters insist on the whole family coming in when an animal is being adopted.

[bcnewe2]

I would never go against my DH with out much conservation and sincere listening, but we have learned that if one wants something bad enough it's better to voice your opinions and know you've been heard than to put your foot down. No one wins when you butt heads and don't come to terms! Our marriage started out with thinking one opinion was more important than the other on both sides. now it's wanting to make each other the happiest we can be so if it's dogs or cars, you learn to deal and happy spouses make great partners! So do unhappy ones but if I can help by understanding my dh's desires and his mine it's much better.

 

Unlike Lana I was married first. Had 3 kids before I found dogs. When DH figured out this was not a passing fade he bought me a small farm. We're on our 3rd one and he to is the best fencer I know!

 

I'm betting if you have a heart to heart things will be more clear to each other.

 

I used to be jealous about husbands that shared the same passion. But if that was the case I'd have no way to get off to other farms or trialing when I do. My DH happily does the chores for me when I'm gone but I usually have a dog or 2 with me. He even found one of the old retired dogs that would gather sheep for him if need be so they do a great job.

 

Lana's story is heartwarming. Shows how hard it is but with dedication and hard work anything is possible.

[rlwzgd]

I have an 11 month old daughter and two dogs - 2 yo and 10 months, plus living with my mom's dog makes 3. My old guy died when Olivia was a few months. For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to get a puppy a month younger than my daughter (makes remembering his age easy). I'm working on training both dogs (puppy on agility, 2 year old on stock). It's not a cake walk. I have to juggle working stock with my mom's work schedule since my hubby is out of town for work for months at a time. Throw on a dissertation and I refer to my life as a circus. But it's enjoyable, and I'd be terribly bored otherwise. It is reachable, but it is work and it's important to not be a fan of sleep.

 

At first my husband thought I was bananas. I must've missed the memo that my life would stop when we had kids. I kept doing the same thing I'd always done. He's learned me well enough to defer to me when I have a certain tone to my voice because arguing is simply pointless. After the puppy got manners (for the most part), he was fine with me adding the second dog. And by fine, I mean he only sighed once and told me to carry on.

 

Kids will complicate things, but they are also wonderful editions. It can be done, and it might be worth adding a puppy now so you can have the basics out of the way before you have children. But there's also something to be said for waiting until after you have children and seeing how much you can handle. I wouldn't advocate having a puppy and a baby, but I'm not the only one that's done that, either... if your husband is giving goofy reasons, maybe see if you two can figure out his real objection (not enough time for him is mines favorite reason)...

[Root Beer]

My husband is similar. He really wants us to only have two dogs. In his mind, when Sammie and Speedy pass, we will just have Dean and Tessa and that will be it. I definitely plan to add a third dog, be it puppy or adolescent rescue, soon after we have only two - at that point, Dean will probably be 8 or 9, or even 10, and Tessa will be about 6 or 7, or even 8! It will be time to get a youngster started in short order so he or she can be in the swing of performance when Dean starts to hit retirement time. I have said this to my husband and he kind of skips over it as if I didn't say it. We will have to work it out when the time comes.

 

No advice, really, but you certainly aren't alone in this!!

[rufftie]

good lord Lana- you are my hero!

I also came late to trialing. I've always had 2 dogs, occasionally 3, during our 28 year marriage, but I only became interested in dog sports/herding in the last 8 yrs. the dogs have always been my dogs. the horses were my horses. once again, as said before, my husband is a great fencer! since I started dog games so late, our daughter, who is now 23, was never really a hinderence to my traveling. our daughter often complained that I loved the dogs more than her! sibling rivalry run amok!

my husbands main concern was that more dogs would tie us down too much, that we couldn't travel as much as he would like. and sometimes it does. when I wanted a 3rd dog, I made myself a deal. when I lost 15 lbs, I would talk to dave about a new dog. we discussed it, joked over it, tossed it around. when I lost 25 lbs it was almost a done deal. when I threw in a small boat (it really is all about compromise), I knew I had won. the new dog, tho not a puppy, is lounging peacefully at my side.

children DO change things a lot! they are money eaters, time eaters and brain eaters. like Lana has proven, you can do it, but i'm not sure i'd be women enough ;-). you may not even want to when you have children. you might be delighted in their games/life etc. and tho you would never abandon the dogs, they may take a back seat.

when I got married, my gram gave me the advice of "communicate, communicate, communicate". that and deal brokering are the keys to success.

good luck.

[Beach BCs]

 

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes!

[Maralynn]

What is important to him? what hobbies does he have? how do you handle that? how will things change for him when kids come along? Those are things that could be brought into to conversation.

[JaderBug]

Thank you everyone for your responses, experiences, and suggestions- I really appreciate them. You've given me a lot to think about and some different aspects of communication that I wasn't thinking about. Think I'll work on a conversation with DH in a week or two, once this chaotic month is over, butter him up with a really good meal and dessert (what's that thing about a man's heart? :-P) and have a discussion.

 

Did want to say there's no way my older dog, Jade, is going anywhere- in addition to being the namesake of my photography enterprise and all of my user names, she's the reason I'm even in this world of sheepdogs, as well as why I am starting a photography business, she is the reason I ever started in both. My dogs are members of my family. That and even though I don't think she'll be successful in the higher USBCHA levels, I can still learn a great deal from her and I think it would make me a lousy trainer to completely give up on her just because her potential is different.

 

Thanks again, all!

[mum24dog]

I made myself a deal. when I lost 15 lbs, I would talk to dave about a new dog.

I have made myself the same deal but have yet to start - and I have a lot more than that to lose.

[mum24dog]

Ugh. "Get rid of your old dog to make room for a new one". *biting my tongue* or fingers, whatever...

And for the sake of a hobby. Squeeze what you can out of a dog and discard it with the rationalisation that it's for the dog's good because you don't have time for it as a passenger. (How about thinking ahead before getting more dogs than you can cope with?) I have heard the same argument used in agility, but fortunately it is rare.

 

I'm very happy JaderBug has discounted the idea.

 

I was rewatching "Dogs that changed the world" last night and was so pleased to hear the Lakeland shepherd Tom Relph say that he would never get rid of his dogs and they stay with him until they die. And those dogs are essential for his livelihood, not just a piece of kit to help pursue his personal ambitions.

 

It's frustrating that I have so many older dogs but it isn't the end of the world.

[Donald McCaig]

Dear Ladies,

 

Anne likes the sheepdogs but likes the guard dogs more. She (thank God) even likes Fly ( she calls her "Pickle"). And she tolerates my frequent travels - mostly. When she announced that she and women friends were traveling to Tuscany - sans hubbies - "Bon Voyage, Dear".

 

In Florence, the ladies celebrated my birthday in a fine, fine restaurant. I was so honored as was my credit card.

 

Donald McCaig

[mum24dog]

Dear Ladies,

 

Anne likes the sheepdogs but likes the guard dogs more. She (thank God) even likes Fly ( she calls her "Pickle"). And she tolerates my frequent travels - mostly. When she announced that she and women friends were traveling to Tuscany - sans hubbies - "Bon Voyage, Dear".

 

In Florence, the ladies celebrated my birthday in a fine, fine restaurant. I was so honored as was my credit card.

 

Donald McCaig

My husband is the main earner in our marriage and he doesn't complain that I spend so much of his money on the dogs because it means they are out of the house a lot.

 

He's the traveller, either for work or pleasure, which has been a factor in my being able to have so many dogs. When he announces out of the blue that he's planning to go to some music festival in Albany or Barcelona or the late great Levon Helm's Midnight Ramble etc I just say OK and wave him off.

 

Each week begins with the two way question "Where are you going to be this week?"

 

After 40+ years of marriage and 4 kids we're each entitled to a life of our own.

[maggiesmommy]

My partner and I both know that we want a child and that we wanted a BC, and we decided to choose one or the other and to have them a few years apart. I personally don't think I could handle a newborn and a puppy-in-training at the same time. Children are a LOT of work, and many dogs do end up in shelters when their owners have children and no longer have time for them. I would wait until the new dog is fully trained before having a child. So, personally, I'd recommend choosing which one is more of a priority right now: dog or baby. Take your pick, because having both within a short period of time, *especially* when you already have two other dogs that occupy much of your time, would be very difficult. I don't think your husband's concerns are unreasonable in that regard.

That said, I'm sorry he doesn't "get it" when it comes to how important your pets are in your life. My partner's not as attached to my dog as I am, but she's at least very understanding of how much Maggie means to me.

[red russel]

So many decisions in life come with a whole host of unintended consequences... For the uninitiated, sheepdogging can feel like being run over by a truck. It is so much more than just a decision to have a few more dogs... it can quickly become a complete lifestyle and life path decision. I understand and support your husband's reticence and I'll bet he hasn't even considered the half of what he may be drawn into. This isn't a new hobby that, perhaps, consumes a table top in the crafts room... discussing the full ramifications of your dreams with him and understanding how you will mitigate the impact for him might be helpful...

 

bottom line is he may see significantly less of you and a lot more of your dogs. If he isn't really a dog person you are asking a lot. I am a dog person and I find all the bodies and the energies of these sentient beings quite overwhelming at times.

 

dave

[Sue R]

What Dave said!

 

I have a husband, we have a farm, we both have jobs, our kids are raised (although one was still at home when I got my first pup and got bitten by the bug). I have done a lot of what I want and had to say, "No" to a lot of what I have wanted (and do want) to do, because it's not just "me", it's "us" that is paramount in my life.

 

We compromise - he supports me in what I want to do as much as is comfortable for him. I temper my wants with what will work best for him, for our farm, for my job, for the animals. He has his obsession and I support him to the extent that I feel comfortable with that.

 

It's a balancing act. I sometimes envy people who either can simply make the decisions on what they will do based on what they want or feel they need, and don't have to work their choices around someone else. I sometimes envy those who have partners who share the same desires and obsessions, and can either enjoy this together or support each other in pursuing this to the fullest. But when the day is over, I have the one I love at my side - so, I miss an opportunity to train or a trial to attend. I can deal with that. For me, first things come first.

 

So I will never be a good handler. I may never trial. I enjoy the culture, the trials I attend and the opportunities to volunteer, the friends I've made, the wonderful (few) dogs in my life, working stock at home, and a happy spouse. Our circumstances may change significantly in just a few years, and we will see how that impacts all of this, to let me do more of what I'd like to do or to maybe restrict what I can do. I'll just have to deal with it.

 

I hope you can work things out so that you both will be happy with the outcome. Give a little, get a little, compromise, plan, enjoy!

[mum24dog]

It's a balancing act. I sometimes envy people who either can simply make the decisions on what they will do based on what they want or feel they need, and don't have to work their choices around someone else. I sometimes envy those who have partners who share the same desires and obsessions, and can either enjoy this together or support each other in pursuing this to the fullest. But when the day is over, I have the one I love at my side - so, I miss an opportunity to train or a trial to attend. I can deal with that. For me, first things come first.

 

Well said - and Dave too.

 

My husband actually acts as a brake on what I might get myself into if I only had myself to consider and that's probably a good thing. I hate to think how many dogs I might have if he weren't around and it would be a chore rather than a pleasure to have too many. I'm now thinking quality rather than quantity would be the best bet.