Euthanasia and Guilt

[Debbie Crowder-BaaramuLuke]

I have a dear, sweet mutt dog who I got from being a vet hospital employee in 1995, which makes her almost 12. She came in with her 5 littermates, less than a week old, the whole litter abandoned and having maggots on every oriface a pup can have, ears, anus, nostrils, and my pup Roly had three holes in her back and rump full of maggots as well. We took on this litter, each of us taking two, and I took Roly because she had more afflictions as a single, and she healed and grew up to be a fabulous friend. Roly is the kind of dog who enjoys home and being chief protector and handles her position as non-border collie in a BC household really well.

She's developed heart failure, and her chest has fluid on it that we've drained twice now, which she hates, and she's on Lasix and Enalapril, not eating great and hanging closer to me. I feel like her time is getting short, and if I could turn her around, I'd do anything to make it happen, anything. She's been going to work with me daily, and seems okay to do this, and I'm worried about not seeing her almost every minute. I worry she'll have a crisis and need to be put down in a very short order, but for now she wags her tail and follows me everywhere, pretty contentedly. It's like she's fine, except that she has much less energy and breathes like a dog with congestive heart failure. Given her state now versus three weeks ago, I doubt she can go much longer, and I have absolutely no qualms putting her down, but I will be horribly sad.

How can put out of my mind that I'm considering that I have a trial to go to in a couple of weeks, and that I've considered taking her along, her first trial, possibly setting her up to die on the road, with no known DVM there to help me if she has a crisis? If she has it next week, and I put her down, I'm going to feel guilty for being relieved of the decision. She can't stay home like she is, either way, because my husband can't handle her meds or her situation. If I decide to put her down in the next couple of weeks, I'm going to feel like I did it for my convenience, although I truly know better.

I always end up coming here for answers because I know you all understand (I hope).

[painted_ponies]

If I were in your place, I wouldn't make any plans to go to the trial.

 

From reading your posts, it sounds as though she has some quality of life still - she's happy and interested in her surroundings, and following you around. I'm assuming she's still eating as well (that's another item on my checklist of how much a dog is enjoying life). So I think if I were you I'd just help her enjoy the time she has, at home, and not make any travel plans right now.

 

I'm so sorry - this is the very hardest part of having animals. You have my deepest sympathy.

[Kyrasmom]

That's a hard one because nobody is more critical of these decisions than those making them. Oddly enough the hardest decision was for me very easy to make, harder to live with. My dog Kyra, whom I had seen through 5 years of extreme special needs, developed bone cancer at 10 1/2. She had already been through various surgeries for mammary cancer, had diabetes and an autoimmune condition called Pemphigus triggered by stress. Needless to say an amputation was not something we could consider.

 

But she still smiled, and ate, and played tummy games (things she could do lying down) and was mentally not ill at all. If not for the fact that she was in pain when she moved around, she seemed perfectly happy.

 

And yet the day after the diagnosis I had her put to sleep. I knew the pain would worsen and I wanted to spare her something that I could not help through morphine and/or other meds. The vets at Davis U said she probably had a couple of weeks but they would have been possible through extensive pain management and I just didn't want to put her through that....even if time was very precious to me.

 

So....given what you've shared about your girl and what you've done for her, the live she has lived, the love she has received, I don't see how guilt is something you should concern yourself with...even if it is a natural and human reaction. I think putting her into a potentially distressing situation if her time is that close could end up making it that much worse for the both of you as her passing may not be easy and you'll live with the guilt of that.

 

At the end of the day, only you know what is best for the both of you. I didn't think twice about putting Kyra to sleep even if I still think of her every day and it's been 6 years.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Maria

[bc friend]

JMO - if you feel she still has some good quality of life left, I wouldn't plan on going to the trial - there's always another trial, but should her time be as short as you feel, then you may want access to a familar vet - not just for Roly's sake but for your own sake as well. You know how your vet handles euthanesia but a strange vet may handle it in a way that's not comfortable for you.

 

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you and Roly - I've been in the position of having a pet that's terminally ill but not quite ready to be pts and it's hard - so hugs and good thoughts to you as well.

[IronHorse]

Ditto to what Painted Ponies and bc friend have already stated.

[KrisK]

Personally, I'd skip the trial. Roly needs you right now. You were there for her in the beginning, you need to be there for her as it ends. It's a heartbreaking time....and the truth of the matter is....only you can make the right decision. My thoughts are with you.

[Liz P]

Duncan was diagnosed with cancer (tumor in the right atrium of his heart) just days before I was supposed to go out of town for work for the biggest event for my job of the entire year. I called my boss, who thank god is an animal lover, and told her I couldn't go. She understood, ordered me to stay home and gave me as much time as I needed to spend with him. He was given 2 weeks to live, if he was lucky, and I was determined to spend that time with him. Just days after his diagnosis I rushed him to the ER during the night because he was having trouble breathing. (It still amazes me how fast cardiac hemangiosarcoma progresses!) We drained the fluid and let him hang out in an O2 cage for a few hours but didn't do anything really drastic. I knew it was only a matter of time and didn't want to put him through painful treatments. 13 days after he was diagnosed he had a bad night; couldn't get comfortable, was upset and having a hard time breathing. He looked into my eyes and I knew the fight was over. I took him to the hay field that morning and spent hours sitting with him. He ate a few bugs, watched the birds, enjoyed the sun... Then we went to the vet and he died peacefully in my arms. I did the only thing I could do for him, I released him from his pain. I am sure I could have kept him alive longer with medication and other forms of intervention, but what would that accomplish?

 

Those first few minutes after he died I panicked. I asked myself what I had done. I felt like a murderer. But once I got through the first rush of emotions I knew I had done the right thing. Even putting him to sleep the same day he was diagnosed wouldn't have been wrong. I needed time to say goodbye, and I know he appreciated those last 2 weeks we spent together. My goals were to 1) say goodbye and 2) give Duncan a peaceful death. I did both and I don't for a second regret the way I handled the situation.

 

The only question you need to answer is whether or not you will regret the decision.

[Laurae]

When my old kitty, Gonzo, was eighteen and a half, he was diagnosed with kidney failure. He'd been losing weight and was getting more and more listless, but I was kind of in denial about the shape he was in. I'd had him since I was 13 years old, and I couldn't even let myself think about his life ending. I gave him sub-Q fluids for two weeks, trying in vain to keep him hydrated and somehow nurse him back to health. He died in my bathroom, alone, while I was at work. Finding him was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. Not because he had passed, but because of the way he had passed. I had tried to hold on to him for too long, and instead of a peaceful death in the care of someone who loved him, he died alone and undiscovered for hours. I have always, and will always, feel much guilt about the way I handled his final days. I chickened out instead of putting his needs first, and he suffered needlessly. I failed him in his final days.

 

I will now always err on the side of putting a terminally ill/injured animal down too quickly rather than risk waiting too long. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do with Roly. She's had a good life, thanks to you.

[ShoresDog]

Laurae's story resonates with me. My most beloved brown tabby cat's kidneys failed at age 17-and-a-half, and I held on to him for two or three weeks past when I should have, before I finally took him to be PTS. Poor guy, he was such an amazing cat, he really deserved more consideration, and I still regret not having the willpower to take him in sooner. (Often for cats, the kidneys fail when they get really old, and it is irreversible.)

 

Our animals count on us to protect them from suffering. After many years of high quality life with us, I don't think they want a few more days or weeks with pain and fear. Quality of days, not quantity, matter more, I believe. I think we need to be very careful to be clear about whose feelings we are worrying about, ours or those of our pet. I think we make the mistake of holding on too long more often than bringing the end too soon, because we love them so much. Roly's had a great life, and it's important to protect her from pain or the panic of not getting enough air in her last days.

 

It might not be the right thing to do to take time off from work, for many reasons, e.g., the needs of other family members and other pets, the responsibilities to employer and coworkers, etc. Work is important. I don't think time away from work is the right solution for everyone. And it may just postpone the decision/crisis. It certainly won't make Roly better.

 

I second Laurae's conclusion.

 

I will now always err on the side of putting a terminally ill/injured animal down too quickly rather than risk waiting too long. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do with Roly. She's had a good life, thanks to you.

[WyoBC]

Our old red heeler "Mickey" was blind, almost deaf, and had lumps on his chest for almost a year. He ate his food ok most of the time but he was getting really old and we could tell he wasn't enjoying life anymore. He couldn't play, couldn't go for walks, could hardly go outside to go to the bathroom. He was just about fifteen years old when we put him down last year. I remember that day as clear as if it happenend yesterday. I remember the last breakfast I fed him, the last time I roughed up his hair around his neck, the last thing I said to him, and that last look of love he gave me. I have to hold back the tears just talking about it. It was hard on my Mom to make the choice to finally have him put down, and it was pretty hard on me because I took special care of him for almost a year by myself. I still feel bad for putting him to sleep but I know in my heart that it was time.

 

I think if she's still enjoying life, just enjoy the time you have left. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this time is.

[juliepoudrier]

Debbie,

A slightly different point of view here: I assume you're going to the trial to work and that the folks holding the trial are counting on you being there to work the pens? If that's the case (and I suspect it is), can you ask them for the names of local vets and emergency vets and then perhaps contact one of the vets ahead of time, fax Roly's records over, and ask if they would be willing to help should you need it? If this is the vet of the trial host, then I think s/he would be willing to help in such a situation.

 

I missed the Big Bend trial last month because of a cat in crisis, and I don't mind that I missed the trial because I was just running in it and not working it, and Dandy deserved my care and concern. Dandelion had to be put down that Saturday, though I had made my decision not to go to the trial Thursday night before we had gotten any tests back. But Dandy was a cat--not an animal you normally travel with, and I knew I wouldn't have any test results back before late Friday, so it made sense to stay home with her.

 

So ISTM that if the trial host needs you there, and you can make Roly comfortable to travel with you, have contact with a local vet, you can keep her close by while you work, and the trial host knows that you might have to bail if Roly has a crisis, I think I would take her along. She's used to going places with you now, and I think would be happier being with you, even if her life ends while on the road. It may be that if you contact the host and tell her/him what's going on, s/he might have some advice--anything from "it won't be a problem to get someone to work in your place" to "please come and my vet will be sure to help you if you and Roly are in need."

 

That said, the advice to decide to end her suffering sooner rather than later also makes sense. I think way too many people keep pets alive much longer than is good for the animal all because they have a difficult time coming to terms with making a decision to end a life. I know you've been around that sort of thing plenty and want to avoid making Roly suffer any more than is necessary as well. My heart goes out to you, girl--I'm sure you'll make the right decision and do what's best for Roly, and only you can really know what that is.

 

J.

[ShoresDog]

Good suggestions, Julie. It was late last night and I (a patent agent) read "trial" as you being an attorney and having to travel for work! Duhh.

 

Whatever you decide, it's not easy and you have my and everyone's deep sympathy.

[Debbie Crowder-BaaramuLuke]

Thanks to all, every answer is a good one. I am one of those people who, in theory, believes that death is not the worst thing that can happen to an animal, especially in the hands of a caring, skillful vet. In my heart, Roly is enjoying her days, especially now that they're getting warmer...she still growls at Beryl for looking at her in her crate, still woofs at strange cars when they come down the road, has a gleem in her eye thinking about giving chase. She's down to 38 pounds from almost 50, eats only when I trick her into drinking her a/d with water, which she loves. She's mostly happy and looks to get in the truck when I open the door, something she never preferred in the past, so if I decided to put her down tomorrow, I'd know she wouldn't have any worse days than today ahead of her, but I can't do it, at least not this minute. Today's the first tears I've shed over it, reading your posts. Let the floodwaters roll, so to speak, which is why I don't let it go anymore. Took me six months to stop them after Luke. Feels good to let up on the pressure though.

Julie, you're right, I feel an obligation to go to the trial, and I guess I'm feeling like it's just bad bad timing. I already spoke with the host about it, and I feel like if Roly can be like she is right now, we will be fine to go together, just for the three days. I know I can put her down if I think she is getting worse in the next week, and feel like I did the right thing, but Liz put it well(WHAT HAVE I DONE!?), I did this kind of thing one other time, hauntingly similar situation, and ended up feeling like it was a God thing, putting me in a corner so I'd do the right thing now. I rationalized Luke's accident that way too, knowing how much he meant to me, having it be quick and no decisions to be made, God stepped in and took him. I struggle with that one, me and Him.

Bless all of you for your help. One day at a time here.

[Debbie Crowder-BaaramuLuke]

Oh, Julie, Eve is just fine and dandy too, almost 16, the other high-maintence member of my entourage! I always have to check with my "bosses" about what to do with Eve when I'm at their trials! This time I had to check on how much they loved me to allow for two of them. Life!!

[Allie Oop]

Debbie, I feel for you. This is a very difficult decision, but it sounds like you've given the situation a lot of thought. I had to make this decision myself about 18 mos. ago and the memories are still very fresh in my mind.

 

My dear dog, Kamp, who we adopted as a 3 mo. old puppy from a shelter, had been diagnosed as having very advanced lung cancer and, because he had been having seizures for the last three years, possibly brain cancer as well. He was amazingly healthy right up until the last 2 mos. of his life (he almost 14), but had gone downhill very quickly from the time we got the diagnosis. His body was failing him, but his will and spirit to participate in the activities we enjoyed together never lessened. We had a long-standing commitment to go out of town and had originally made plans to kennel Kamp, because we weren't going to be able to take him with us. As the date of the trip got closer, we were really struggling though, because Kamp was obviously failing and all he wanted was to be close to us. It wasn't possible to cancel or reschedule the trip, because I was in charge of the activity and others were depending on me, so we decided that we would go ahead and take him with us (despite many complications involved in doing so). I also worried about his suffering and needing a vet's care while we were gone, because we would realistically have no access to a vet for at least 3 days during the trip. We spoke with our vet and got additional meds and instruction. However, when on the morning of the trip, my dear boy suffered several episodes which finally convinced us that we had no right to prolong his suffering anymore, we made the difficult decision to help him across the Rainbow Bridge. Because we still had to go on the trip, it was with very heavy hearts and much sadness we left the vet's office that day. My family had a little memorial service and a good cry session that evening, just us, and we reminisced about all of the great times we had spent together with Kamp. I can't say it was the best trip I've ever taken, but I do know that we made the right decision. I know that we had given Kamp a terrific home and had many wonderful times together.

 

Julie made some good suggestions if you decide to take Roly along. Whatever you decide you need to do, I don't think that you will have made the wrong decision. Will you still feel guilty? Probably, but as long as you know you've given your dear pup the best care and consideration possible, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

 

Regards,

[juliepoudrier]

Debbie,

I was thinking about Eve as I wrote my previous post. I'm glad to hear she's still going strong, dear dog. Take Roly along, hopefully you'll have wonderful weather, and both Roly and Eve can hang out and snooze in the sun while you and Simon work your tails off.

 

And I have no doubt your "bosses" love you enough to take any oldsters you need to bring along, any time.

 

J.

[Sue R]

Debbie - I'm so sorry to hear about this. I have no worthwhile advice but you know you and Roly are in my prayers and thoughts. When I saw the topic, I also thought immediately of Eve.

 

I have to say that I've let animals hang on too long because I didn't have the courage and compassion to relieve their discomfort because of my selfishness, hoping for a miracle, and putting off the inevitable just one more day. And virtually anytime I've done the right thing and put one down, I have experienced a great deal of second-guessing and guilt. That's just me, I expect.

 

It's so hard to let them go and I do agree with the concept that they will let you know when it gets to be too much. However, I wish I knew when that would be so that I could pre-empt that time and avoid that suffering, and still spend every last enjoyable moment they had remaining.

 

Prayers and best wishes to you both, and give my best to Tim and all the good animals.

[bc friend]

I have to say that I've let animals hang on too long because I didn't have the courage and compassion to relieve their discomfort because of my selfishness, hoping for a miracle, and putting off the inevitable just one more day. And virtually anytime I've done the right thing and put one down, I have experienced a great deal of second-guessing and guilt. That's just me, I expect.

 

It's not just you - the only pets I've not felt guilty about are the ones who died naturally w/o previously showing any signs of pain or illness.

 

Debbie - you and Roly are in my prayers.

[Tassie]

Debbie, your dilemma resonates with me too. My first dog I had as an adult was a Border Collie/Kelpie cross, who made it to 15 and a half, but was going downhill gently, but at an increasing speed. I was teaching at the time, and in the 2 week winter holidays, I could see that Jess was struggling a bit - though still eating well, and enjoying watching my two youngsters. However, her back legs would sometimes give way and she needed to be helped to stand again. Then her front legs would give way sometimes. While I was home, this wasn't so much a problem as I could help her - but one morning she was barking, and when I found her, she had fallen over on a downhill slope, and wasn't able to get up again. I realised that I couldn't go to work and leave her at home, and at tha time, taking her with me was not an option. So I made the difficult decision to let her go. I felt the same sort of guilt you're talking about - did I do it for my convenience? Was there some other way? There are still twinges, 5 years on - although I know intellectually it was the right thing to do.

 

In your case, 'knowing' you from reading your posts over the years, I know whatever decision you make will be made with Roly's interests foremost. You may not be totally comfortable with the decision, but it will be right. Knowing from the Boards the work that you do at trials, and the contributions you make, you would not be doing anything for your convenience. Hey, if your convenience was the main consideration, you would stay home.

 

Bless you for all you've done for Roly - and those other animals and people you've helped. I still remember what lengths you went to to find the owner of that poor dog you found dead.

[Bo Peep]

This is very graphic and may disturb some.

I waited too long. She ate, she was full of energy, I didn't want to let go. But after seeing this photo of her breast cancer. I just couldn't let her suffer anymore. My dear Migraine died in my arms. No one could tell she was in pain, only when you saw the tumor. I have guilt too. It's hard to make a desision. I was a vet tech at the humane society for 2 years. I saw some labs come in to be put down at 35 pounds. Suffering is something we can do to help our dogs that we can't with people. I have guilt that I waited too long. I"m sorry for the graphic shot.

[BustopherJones]

Perhaps these words will help:

 

If it should be that I grow weak,

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then you must do what must be done,

For this final battle cannot be won.

 

You will be sad, I understand.

Don't let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day, more than all the rest,

Your love for me must stand the test.

 

We've had so many happy years,

What is to come can hold no fears.

You'd not want me to suffer so.

The time has come, please let me go.

 

Take me where my need they'll tend

And please stay with me until the end.

Hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer can see.

 

I know in time that you will see

The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

 

Please do not grieve it must be you

Who had this painful thing to do.

We've been so close, we two these years,

Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

[2 Devils]

I also believe that many times a person keeps a dog alive longer than they should for their own benefit and not the dogs. No matter when you make the decision you will always feel guilty. I felt guilty for a very short time because I truly believe we ease their pain and suffering when we euthanize them and that is all we can do for them at the time.

 

Pick a decision time. If Roly stops____ you will euthanize that day. We did that with Charlotte who was only 4. When we found out she had GI Tract lymphoma we decided that the decision would be made for us when she stopped eating. She was a total food hound. She never, ever missed a meal so we felt that would be a good decision. We only had a couple months with her after diagnosis but the morning she walked away from breakfast was the morning we knew it was time.

 

For some people the decision is not as easy. If a dog has a QUALITY of life then all is good - QUANITY of life is not.

[Guest pax]

FWIW, I could not make this decision for my old dog, my very first friend in dog fur, Anoushka.

 

Ultimately, the only beings in the equation whose opinions matter are you, and her. However, maybe there is someone in your life who could help you, when you feel your own judgement might be overlaid with emotion. (Although I fall into the camp of people who believe it's perfectly reasonable to include how you feel (as opposed to think) about stuff in the decision making process.)

 

I had to ask my ex-husband to help me know when it was time. He loved both of us but he was not as intimately connected within my dog's and my relationship as I was, obviously. He is a superb animal person. I felt comfortable knowing I could trust his judgement, particularly as he saw the dog on a daily basis.

 

Since we are quoting poetry, I will contribute this, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” To me that means her love for you will stay with you, after this hard part of loving is over.

[Debbie Crowder-BaaramuLuke]

Debbie and Roly update: Roly is doing okay. She has the heart failure, she breathes harder than usual, but her tail wags when you talk to her, she still has her dog position in the pack (MIss Grumpy) and her appetite is better. We increased the Enalapril to twice a day, Lasix three times. I still think she's going soon, she had a spell yesterday where she lost her balance and keeled over, but it was over in a flash, and she was okay after that. I can't see putting her down today.

New dilemma: I have a horse, 26, has had melanoma issues for years, and this time it's really critical, but like Roly, Sandman eats, drinks, sleeps and maintains his social status great, but I know his butt is rotting off, and he will get sick from it. WIth horses, you have to call a vet to come out (no putting them in the car and running to the vet) and the backhoe guy to come bury them. This has been in my mind for the last three years probably, and his largest tumor abcessed on Monday, that is, it ruptured. This has happened a lot in the last few years, but I tend to it and it heals and we go on. Life is great. This tumor is more on his body, near his rectum, than his tail, which has been a problem.

I called the vet, who happens to be a great guy who helped write the stuff you read when you go to the AVMA site and want to read up on equine euthanasia. He agreed with me it was time to put Sandman down. I got it worked out, got the backhoe guy lined up, the 4H kids informed, some of who wanted to be there (great kids, only seniors invited, and the vet was very happy to use this as as lesson for them) and...

My Husband had a fit. "There's nothing wrong with him, you just want to clean up your mess so you can go to dog trials, why don't you just kill all of them so it'll just be you and the Border Collies."

He hasn't lived with animals EXCEPT the dogs and cats, I've had anywhere from 5-15 horses at a time, but NOT where he lived and he didn't have anything to do with them (we will have been married 25 years this year-betcha didn't think I was THAT old, did you?) I guess I didn't think I needed to ask him about it. I've had to put down at least 8 horses/ponies in the last ten years, and lived through as many when I worked for the old lady I worked for who had this bunch before she died.

AS it stands, I cancelled the euthanasia for this evening. Iwill try to keep his wound clear and him healthy, and get Tim to help, seeings how he needs to understand better. I guess he'll have to next weekend anyway. I excuse his tyrade because this is his way (sh---y as it is) of dealing with his emotional hurt and distress, and he needs time to accept it, and to learn what I've had the privilege of learning over the years. Ssndmand has time, not much, but he'll be okay. At one point I thought Roly and Sandman were leaving today.

Life is a real piece of work.

[Woodenlion]

I admire your courage and conviction to do right by your animals and at the right time. You have had more than your share to deal with. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Toni