Pack problems, an aging alpha...

[Sasha's Mom]

Hi all, long time, no post. I apologize for the length in advance. I'm having some issues and need to vent mostly.

 

The last year has been one of many changes. I have finally accepted that I can no longer tolerate husband's issues (alcoholism), and despite multiple rehab attempts, he has not succeeded. Or perhaps I just don't want to deal with it. Either way, the ending is the same. He moved out for a trial separation in September, and I anticipate filing for divorce soon. Since I'm the one with the finances, I am still at the "farm" with all the dogs. They're sort of my dogs anyway, and he can't take care of them so it's sort of a non-issue... This is a background problem that although isn't the driving factor, is definitely an issue.

 

My alpha male Nikolai, the only male in the pack (aside from Cat #1, but he's not really a factor here) is showing his years. He's a GSD, and has been in this family for nearly 8 years, having been adopted as an adult. (Putting him firmly in the 10+, if not 12+ range) Over the last couple years, and more noticeably in the last several months, he's become less tolerant of anything, including foster dogs, so I have stopped fostering. He is also less tolerant of the girls, and has singled out the smallest, Rue, to bear the brunt of his grumpiness. I hate to use the word aggression, because it's not really that - she's a bit of an upstart, but it has gotten to the point where she avoids him if possible. He charges her for no apparent reason, sometimes rolling her multiple times.

 

Rue came to us accidentally, and I asked here, oh, 18 months ago, if I should keep her. We were only going to be transporting, but were in the middle of moving at the time. I was still living at the old house, husband was at the new place with the dogs, and he fell in love with her. Long story short, she's been here a year and a half. She was pulled in the nick of time, narrowly escaping euth for space.

 

Rue is a great little dog, but as she's come into adulthood, she is definitely challenging for position. My middle dogs (Sasha and Sassy) don't seem to mind, and even Zoe, my top female, has tolerated her pretty well until recently. There have been a couple of incidents with Zoe and Rue which have turned into all-out bitch fights, once ever requiring a fire extinguisher to break up. These are becoming more frequent, and although Rue generally crosses the line, Zoe is bigger. Of course then the other girls jump in, and just being me here make these challenging situations to say the least. After a fight, they generally avoid each other, but things do seem to be escalating.

 

I guess I'm just venting because I feel like I owe everyone a fair shot and a life without fear, and Rue is definitely not getting this. She ends up crated a lot, and has taken to voluntarily hiding in her crate - this is a new behavior for her.

 

The fights are taking a toll on me, as I cannot stop them (fire extinguisher notwithstanding). The first big fight, I seriously though Zoe was going to kill Rue. Turns out, she has good bite inhibition and Rue escaped with only a lot of slobber. Zoe however, bore the brunt of the other dogs and suffered several small lacerations. This seems to be ongoing.

 

Tonight, Nik attacked Rue. I'm sure there was some sort of signal that I missed, but he kept charging her and charging her. She rolled back and showed her belly repeatedly, and he kept coming at her. Of course, then the rest of the pack jumped in. It was short lived but pretty awful. The girls are all segregated in separate rooms now, and I think I've cleaned up most of the blood from Sasha's ear and Zoe's leg, but this is getting to the point where I have to step back and make a decision.

 

Nik is probably developing some dementia - he's gone after the cats a few times (really, anything moving), and although he's still physically active, I wonder about his senses and his mind. He has been here longer than the others and rehoming him really isn't an option in my mind. Neither is that other thing, which I am not ready to deal with. (You know, That. Not yet. He's not ready, I'm not ready.)

 

Sasha and Sassy are both easygoing; Zoe is my baby.

 

Which brings me back to Rue. As much a I love her, the environment here isn't fair. I thought she would grow into her role in the pack as seamlessly as the others did, and I guess I was wrong. I know that once female packmates start fighting, there isn't an easy answer. Between Nik and Zoe, the fights, the bullying and the fear, Rue probably needs a new home. This is breaking my heart. She's such a good little girl, and this just really sucks.

 

And no, husband can't take her. He's living with his parents and their beagles halfway across the country, but he's decided that he'll respect whatever I decide.

 

So now I have to figure out how to do this. I suppose I could try to believe that I was just fostering her for the last year, and maybe that's what I'll have to do. Sigh. This sucks. (I have contacted the BC rescue I used to foster for, but have been dragging my feet...)

 

This is Rue:

 

Danielle

Nik Boss Dog, Sasha Wigglebutt, the Sassy-frassy, Zoe-snugglebug, and my little Rue-ster.

[juliepoudrier]

Danielle,

I'm sorry you've been going through such a rough patch with your husband and the dogs. I know it's a hard decision, but it sounds like Rue is the one upsetting the natural order of things (Nik's old-age issues notwithstanding, and it could also be that Rue is provoking Nik and you're just not catching the signals), and I don't think it's a bad decision to rehome her. I know it's very, very hard to do, but you deserve a lot of credit for putting the safety and happiness of Rue and the other dogs ahead of what you'd most like.

 

Rue is a cute dog and I imagine the rescue will be able to find her a great home.

 

J.

[Sue R]

Sorry to hear about all the problems you have had to deal with but, the important thing is that you are dealing with them.

 

Rehoming for the dog's benefit is a very selfless act, and I commend you for making this difficult decision. Rue is a beauty, and I certainly expect you will find that she gets a wonderful home - after all, you gave her a good start.

 

Very best wishes!

[urge to herd]

Rue is very sweet looking, and a total cutie. Kudos to you for putting your dogs' welfare and mental balance first. I know this is difficult, I've been right up to that edge with Shoshone a couple times.

 

I hope the best home for Rue comes along soon, and that your aching heart takes some comfort in knowing you did the right thing.

 

Ruth

[Jedismom]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The right decisions are sometimes the hardest.

 

Peace to you...Take care

[SoloRiver]

Hi Danielle, I've rehomed a dog for similar reasons and under much less exigent circumstances than you are facing right now. I did it because I knew he was not happy, there was nothing I could do about the situation to make him happy (because rehoming Solo was obviously not on the table) and because his unhappiness was upsetting everyone else. He is now in a home that is perfect for him and I have a harmonious pack (well, except for that brief Jett-wants-to-kill-Fly phase, but removing Jett's gonads took care of that problem). I know it feels terrible, and I felt like a total failure, I'd sworn to myself that I wasn't one of those people who rehomed dogs, etc. But sometimes it is the best option. Don't beat yourself up. Take care of yourself and what you need to take care of -- Rue is an adorable dog and will not be hard to rehome, is my guess.

[Sasha's Mom]

... I felt like a total failure, I'd sworn to myself that I wasn't one of those people who rehomed dogs...

 

 

Bingo. That's exactly it. I rescue, dammit.

 

I guess that's been the hardest thing for me to accept.

 

It's been brewing awhile. I just keep hoping that the calm spells will last. And they last a little while. And then something happens and BAM I'm cleaning blood off the duvet and buying another fire extinguisher. (It worked really well, FWIW, but made a hell of a mess.) I'm just not quick enough or observant enough to pick up on all the subtleties of the pack's communication. And I'd never forgive myself if something truly bad happened to any of them...

 

 

Thanks for the support guys. I do feel like a failure with this. The marriage I couldn't save, and I have accepted that. I couldn't save my husband from his alcoholism, and I was finally able to accept that. This, though, this is a dog thing...

 

She is an adorable little thing, and knows how to work the puppy eyes to get what she wants. I hope there's a great family out there for her. I just wish it were mine.

 

Danielle

 

(FWIW, I even found a sneaky way to keep fostering... switch to kittens! Easy, compact, containable. Infinitely less work than the puppies I was doing. And the main rescue I work with needs kitten fosters too.)

[eclare]

She is an adorable little thing, and knows how to work the puppy eyes to get what she wants. I hope there's a great family out there for her. I just wish it were mine.

 

Oh man - I know how you feel. I had to find a new foster situation for my last foster, Scout. She was such a sweet heart and for awhile I thought that she was going to be my first foster failure. She had all of the same qualities that I absolutely love in Daisy, so it's not surprising that she came the closest of all my fosters to breaking through the emotional barrier I erect anytime a new foster comes in.

 

But it turns out that she and Daisy were too much alike, in that they were both too stubborn to back down from a fight. I have experiencing pull an aggressive dog off of a submissive dog who just wants to be left alone. But when faced with two dogs that wanted to kill eachother....well, that's no life for anyone. But boy did it hurt. I felt like such a failure, like I had let Scout down, and most of all that I had added to her issues by forcing her to live in a situation where she wasn't always safe.

 

Anyway, just wanted to express my sympathies. Rue is a gorgeous little thing and I'm sure that she will make some family extremely happy.

[bc4ever]

First of all, I understand the issue with your husband. My sister has been dealing with this for way too many years and is trying to get the nerve to free herself from the nightmare. She still hasn't made her decision. She's also been the only source of income for ten years. You're NOT a failure. It's DH's problem which you've probably been told many times before, but it doesn't feel like it, does it. My BIL chose Christmas to have his latest major melt down. That was festive...

 

Considering what's probably been going on in your home for a while, do you think your dogs could be reacting to the tension? They're very sensitive to our moods. When my father was sick and dying, Scooter exhibited his discomfort by having stomach issues. We thought there was something really wrong with him. When my father finally passed and things settled down, his stomach calmed down too. Just a thought. You know your dogs best and I wouldn't want to encourage you to keep a dog that you feel isn't working out. But, maybe you're just overwhelmed with so many major decisions weighing on your mind that you should wait a little while to decide about Rue.

 

Hang in there and I will be praying for you.

 

Pam

[PSmitty]

I'm sorry, Danielle. About all of it. Like Georgia said, sometimes the right decisions are still the hardest. In your shoes, I'd rehome Rue, too. For her sake as much as yours and the rest of the gang. Hard? Yes, but not in any way a failure on your part.

 

Best wishes.

[sblock]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Not sure if this helps, but more than 10 years ago we adopted a "rehomed" dog who was much loved by his family but didn't get along with their other dogs. He bonded with us almost immediately; I think he was immensely relieved to be in a less-stressful environment. I think the same could happen with Rue.

[geonni banner]

Sounds to me like you have enough on your plate. Rue looks like a great prospect for placement, and after all you got her originally as a foster. So I agree with the others. Placement seems to be your best option in this difficult situation. Less volatile pack-dynamics will also allow you to process your own personal difficulties and prepare to say goodbye to the aging Nicolai.

[bcnewe2]

I too am sorry for all you've been through.

I used to be in the same place with rehoming dogs. But I've learned over the years there are better homes than me and sometimes I have to let go to do the best for the dog and myself. Don't look at it as a failure but a loving gesture for the dog.

As far as your husband...well I learned the hard way that sometimes the best help someone can get is to find the courage to let them help themselves.

My SIL had a very bad marrage to an alcohlic with other issues. She stayed and stayed, if you asked her she'd of said it was for the kids. When she finally let go she realized she had done way more harm to her kids than she'd ever have done had she just left. Now her oldest son is in prision for alcohol related issues. He is following in his fathers footsteps. Her younger son has a great life now. She has a new husband and he is was an excellent role model for her younger son.

It's hard to admit when we think we've failed, I try to tell myself you don't fail unless you continue doing what you know isn't good for you or anyone else.

Just think, you could try and hang on and someone could get hurt worse than they already have. Then you'd really have some guilt to deal with, even though I don't think it's your fault at all but I know it would just add to the extreme pain you've been in for this long.

 

Let go of both, your husband and Rue, they might not understand now and it might hurt for a while but both will be better in situations where they can have the life then deserve.

 

I had a tharpist ask me once, when did God disapear and make put me in charge. because I thought I was the only one that was going to save my DH. When I let go, within a year he had found help for himself and he's a way better person now that he is responsible for himself instead of me trying to do it all.

 

Rue will always remember you, for the person that gave her a wonderful life, where ever that might be.

Prayers to you....be strong this to will pass.

[Sasha's Mom]

Thanks again everyone.

 

Rue went to her forever home this afternoon. I was very picky, and thankfully, Miss-Cuter-Than-Anything attracted a slew of applications. One of them jumped out to me, had fabulous references and no other dogs, and we met today. She hopped right up into his passenger seat, leaned over and gave me a little kiss, and that was that.

 

 

 

My house feels quiet tonight.

 

Perhaps it's because I have a cold, or perhaps it's because the other dogs are picking up on it. Perhaps it's relief, but it sure is bittersweet.

 

 

I know she's better off - she'll be the only-dog Princess that she always wanted to be. And she'll have her new daddy wrapped around her little paw in no time. I really think that she'll be perfect for him, who lost his best-buddy only a month ago from a sudden and unexpected illness. His grief now joy - he just lit up with Rue bounced over to him.

 

I know I'm better off too. I let it all out, had a good cry and a glass of wine, and Zoe licked away my tears. And most of my facial epithelium, I think. Who needs a spa facial with these tongues??

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your kind words helped a lot.

The marriage, well, I grieved that for years before it came to a head. And I'm in a MUCH better place for leaving. (Or actually, making him leave...)

 

But the house is very quiet, and I miss my yappy little Rue-ster.

[Cody & Duchess]

Surviving what you have gone through the last year will give you a quiet peace. It will give you the knowledge that you can survive anything and come out stronger on the other side. Take a deep breath, hold your head high.

[aljones]

Congratulations on finding Rue what sounds like an ideal home for her. I cannot imagine how difficult it was to do, but I am glad that you had such a wonderful person apply to adopt her--and that you were able to make him happy, too.

 

Best wishes for your whole household to enjoy some much deserved peace.

[urge to herd]

Congratulations for a wonderful outcome from a difficult decision. You did the right thing, and bittersweet is exactly the right word.

 

I believe that when we grieve for any loss, we tap into a well of grief that we carry around inside us, for all the losses that have gone before. Have your glass of wine, maybe have a few tears as well. You've earned them.

 

Ruth

[martySQ]

Happy Valentine's day early. Yup Bittersweet. You are loving yourself and those around you in the best way for all. There's a song about that someplace(...Love hurts... yeah, yeah... Love hurts....)but eventually, it comes out feeling pretty good knowing you did the most loving thing for everyone involved. Cheers, my dear.