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What would you do?


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Well. I sort of got a kick in the face last night. Not literally, but thats what it feels like.

 

Before I dive into the meaning behind my post, let me give you a little background on my living situation. I live in the finished basement apartment of a house. I moved here with Pi and Raven, back in Oct. The landlord/owner of the house has been a good friend of mine for about 5 years now. His wife also lives here, and I suppose would be considered my other landlord...but we don't talk much, and anything that has to do with rent etc. goes through my friend. They have two dogs.

 

A couple times in the past, particularily when Pi would have a typical spell of the runs due to her eating something she shouldn't have been eating while I was glancing the other way--always had to watch her like a hawk!--Pi would have an accident while I was out. Now, since the house is ventilated from bottom to top--I assume, seeing all the equiptment down here--the smell of poo would reach the whole house. Once Jeral took care of it for me, for which I thanked him profusely. The second time I was called and came home and went to great lengths--$40 in candles, smell-goods and other smell-banishers--to eliminate the smell, while cleaning up. I tell you this, because its the only thing I can think of that explains some of what I'm about to tell you...

 

My friends been away on business for a week. He got home tonight, but I haven't talked to him yet. I assume he's recovering from his trip. But from what I've mentioned before, they both knew my intentions of getting another dog sometime soon.

 

His wife came down last night,and asked if he'd spoken to me recently. I said no, I hadn't heard from him since he left. She then flat out told me--as best as I can describe word-for-word--"Well, I was hoping he might speak to you. After losing three dogs, we really just don't want you to have any more animals down here. Your cat is fine. But no more." No other reasons given other than I lost my three dogs, so they don't think I should have anymore.

 

Of course, I should have asked...but, I didn't think it would get me anywhere for one, and I'm not very accustomed/comfortable/used to speaking with her.

 

They were fine with me moving in with two. And when I got Katy, they even encouraged me to keep her.

 

Right now, with what has been layed out for me as why I am not allowed to have another dog, I feel as if I'm getting blamed for losing my three dogs...and they don't feel I'm responsible enough to care for any more. There may be more to it than that, which is why I listed the thing about Pi and her accidents, because I know that irritated his wife a lot to come home and the house would smell like poo. But they're loving dog-owners, too. And those were days where I didn't know Pi's tummy was upset until mistakes were made. Also, my dogs never tore anything up or ruined anything down here.

 

I know I need to talk with my friend, which will probably make me understand a little more about the reasoning behind this...but now I just feel hurt, and numb at the fact that my chances of getting another dog just got blown out the window. I never expected them to have a problem with me aquiring another dog. Like I said, I'd mentioned it before.

 

So what would you do? I've thought of reasoning with my friend, asking him why they don't think I should not have another dog, if there is anything I can do to change their minds on the matter.

 

I've considered moving. I've got opportunities to move in with friends of mine who own dogs themselves, and who are welcome to the idea of other dogs coming to live with them. I'm not in school this semester, but I will be next semester, and a move could also bring me closer to campus. (Within walking distance.) I'd be paying the same price as I am now. The only thing I'd have to contend with would be roommates, really...(You can tell I've been turning this over in my head rather seriously for the past 24 hours.)

 

Or is there something I just haven't thought of yet?

 

I want a dog. My life was always happier with my dogs in it. I miss going to the park to play frisbee, work with my dogs, and enjoy the day with all the other dog owners. Though I go from time to time to read now, the one thing keeping my chin up when I'd encounter old friends--both human and canine--was that I'd be out there in no time with another BC in my life. I'm not trying to sound like some whiney little child who *wants*wants*wants*...but I honestly feel that I need a dog in my life. Especially after what happened. There is just an emotional pit there...one I'm aching to fill. One I feel I am ready to fill. ...Or was ready.

 

Would any of you move, just so you could have a dog?

 

How on earth would I go about laying this all out infront of my friend? Whose wife seems to have had the final say, even if he wouldn't approach me about it... I don't want it to seem like I've gone behind her back. I already get the feeling, more often than not, that she doesn't really like me...

 

So what would you do?

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Sincere, (sorry, don't know your name!) I don't think at this point them letting you have a dog or no is the real question here. If it was ME, I would feel that if my friend would not say anything and let the wife, who is not really a friend of yours, tell you this, it seems he does not want to face you. It would make ME feel like they were almost trying to get you to move. I think I would find out if that is the real reason. As far as moving just so I could have a dog, well, no question for me. I would not be able to live where I couldn't have a dog. But, if you have to move where you would have room-mates and then you get a dog, then something happens with room-mates and you are looking for another place, well, then it could be a prob. I don't know what all your resourses are. But if I were in your shoes, I would want to know first if they have a prob with ME, then I would come right out and ask the prob with getting a dog.

 

But I would definitely talk to your friend. It is he you have had a relationship with. And you wouldn't be going behind her back. Maybe he didn't say anything cuz that isn't how HE feels.

 

Find out first things first, then go from there. But I would have a prob staying where I felt I wasn't welcome and wanted.

 

JMO

 

I hope it all works out for you. You have been through enough. A friend should have more compasion.

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Sarah,

 

Every time I think of what happened to your beautiful dogs, I tear up. Im so sorry this is happening on top of it.

 

I dont feel like hearing what you're saying, that they blame you for what happened to your dogs. But I do think you need to sit him down (my husband thinks him and her) and tell them whats in your head. You dont have to mention moving or that, but just say your feelings.

 

If he is a true friend, he will come clean and tell you whats up. It may just be the wife is a b**** and doesnt like you or feels threatened by you. You know how women are.

 

I did move to have a cat. So yes, I would definately move for a dog. Animals fill voids in your life, especially when you live alone. They give reason to keep going, and reason get get out and not hole yourself up.

 

Is there a possiblity that you could offer more money for rent, or for a security deposit? If that is the issue, the clean up after you leave, maybe that could work to change their mind. Or maybe revise a lease with agreements of what you'll do if something is messed up. It is cheaper than a deposit.

 

Please keep us updated of everything going on. You are in our prayers.

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Sarah,

 

Talk directly with your friend - he may not know that his wife feels this way. If he feels the same as the wife, then yes, I'd move, for a couple reasons.

 

If you have a situation that you could move into where the costs are substantially the same, and you could have dog(s), go for it. Life's too short to be trying figure people out when they're not willing to be straight with you.

 

And, get written contracts for your living situations from now on. Saves a lot of grief when things are clear up front.

 

Good luck, with whatever you decide. I'd move in a heartbeat.

 

Ruth n the BC3

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Thats what I'm worried about. I don't know if I'm welcome anymore.

 

The awkwardness between my friend's wife and me is probably due to the fact that I'm buddies with him, and I just know her. We're both artists. I spend a lot of time in the studio with him some nights because I'm a night owl like he is, and sometimes its good to have company. We're also probably going to do some body-painting projects together.

 

I look to him as some sort of role model, because hes a *successful* artist. Exactly what I'd like to be one day. So I take any opportunity I can to be tutored by him, whether its watching him airbrush, or working on a painting..I riddle him with questions, and I'm excited to be participating in the body-painting project, because its something I've never done before.

 

I worry constantly that his wife might think something more is there. And I try and go out of my way to prove otherwise...but that only seems to make matters worse. Any attempt of mine to socialize with her just turns awkward and ends abruptly. Mostly, because she never really says anything back to me, so I don't know what *more* to say...and, well, there you have it.

 

Its funny. I read human behavior as closely as I read dog behavior. The little things, like how a person stands, where they position themselves between me and others, their eyes, their actions, their tone of voice... But this probably hinders me, because being too tuned in to how a person acts around me can make me over-analyze...and that may just be what I'm doing. Over analyzing. Over reacting.

 

So I've been getting those little uncomfortable vibes for a while now, and well last night it was pretty acute. I still want to know why my friend didn't come forward about this before I got my hopes up, and made plans. And I'll probably also be able to ask him if his wife really does have a problem with me being there...when I do get the chance to speak to him. I don't want to be somewhere I know I'm not welcome...even if the unwelcoming vibes are only coming from one individual.

 

And most of all, I'd really like to be somewhere I could have a dog.

 

The poeple I know and have talked to have no problem with dogs. They even have a fenced in back yard. They're all for me moving in, should I want to. This would obviously set my plans back as far as owning a puppy/dog a month or so...but at least I would be somewhere I knew I was welcome.

 

Hopefully tomorrow, we'll have a talk.

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Sarah,

Move. It doesn't matter what the problem is, but obviously there is a problem, and your friend either ignored his wife's wishes or didn't have the courage to tell you himself. It is more than likely time for a change. Maybe roomates would be good for you and your new dog. You are going through a difficult time. Why stay were you are not wanted and where people are dictating what you can and can't do? Good Luck!

Toni

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Hi Sarah

Now I understand why you haven't e-mailed me back. Don't worry about Jo, she's not going to go anywhere in a month or so.....so at least that doesn?t need to be on your worry plate!

 

Now....for moving because of a dog(s)....

 

This is my second move and most of my extended family already think I'm nuts for owning so many animals...I probably am...but I'm now moving a state away as much for the pups as for me! They are not pets, they are a way of life!

 

My dogs are my comfort, my addiction, my life, but most of all they are my best friends. With you losing your babies how could anyone who knows you or loves you ever tell you not to get another dog.

Maybe they have other issues that you are not aware of. How will you know what's going on in their heads if you don?t ask them.

Don't sweat it. Face them, with someone if you need to (I think I'd want your bf or someone else standing there with you so you can draw on some energy if you need it) and find out exactly what they are thinking.

Women are a jealous lot. Sounds to me like the wife is jealous when I read how close you are with her man. That's her/his problem not yours.

 

Don't compromise yourself to make someone other than your immediate family happy. I find it's hard enough to be happy without worrying about what others think. You have a good heart and are a good person. If the wife can't figure that out, who needs the extra aggravation?

 

I've been married 25 years and our secret to happiness is to go to bed with a smile on our faces. I wake up thinking about how to make my partner smile and he does the same for me. Life is too short not to be smiling as much as you can.

 

OMT....my partner lost his job awhile ago. I spent a year waiting for us to get our life back. Then I realized it was never coming back. When I accepted that, things went forward. Maybe it's time for your life to move forward. Don't fight it, enjoy the ride!

E-mail or call when or if you?re ready, or if you just need some encouragement.

 

Kristen

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SA...I think you may have answered your own question. I think you need to listen to those 'uncomfortable vibes'. It does sound like the wife is jealous...and whether there is any reason to be or not, SHE feels there's a problem.

As for moving for a dog...well, let me see, I bought my first car (station wagon) for the dog (when I only had ONE!), I bought a house with a yard, so I could have a dog, and finally, I moved to a huge property...so I could have more dogs. Yep, I'd move for the dog

Follow your instincts...I don't think they will let you down.

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I have moved to have a dog before. You do best in an environment where people support you and your passions. This doesn't sound like that kind of environment. They have to know how much you loved your dogs and they have to know how unhappy you would be without a dog. Maybe your friend has given his wife a reason to be jealous that has nothing to do with you. I wouldn't want to be in the middle of that!! You have gone through enough and don't need to be dealing with that.

 

Happy moving if that is how things turn out. Follow your heart and make sure anyone you are with supports your heart as well. (might need that in writing!)

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Sarah,

"I've considered moving. I've got opportunities to move in with friends of mine who own dogs themselves, and who are welcome to the idea of other dogs coming to live with them. I'm not in school this semester, but I will be next semester, and a move could also bring me closer to campus. (Within walking distance.) I'd be paying the same price as I am now. The only thing I'd have to contend with would be roommates, really"

 

Everything in this paragraph including the roomates sounds healthy to me, (from this far remove anyway for what that's worth). In this situation your new dog would have lots of freinds to play with while you're at school or studying. You'd have a 'houseful' again and dog sitting help. And you'd be far away from this particular interpersonal drama.

 

Roomates can be postitive factors in your life if they are trustworthy and respectful. Only you will know this.

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First, I must say that I am so sorry for everything that you have gone through recently. If I were in your shoes, I would move also. I don't think it's unreasonable to move for a dog (or dogs). If I ever did not have dogs now, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'm also sorry to hear that your friend has not talked to you directly about this. I would definitely talk to him soon as well. I wish you luck in finding a new home and a new place to start the next phase of your life.

 

~Kelly Deneen

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Originally posted by SincereArtisan:

 

*snip*

 

I don't know if I'm welcome anymore.

 

*snip*

 

I spend a lot of time in the studio with him some nights because I'm a night owl like he is, and sometimes its good to have company.

 

*snip*

 

We're also probably going to do some body-painting projects together.

 

*snip*

 

I'm excited to be participating in the body-painting project, because its something I've never done before.

 

*snip*

 

I worry constantly that his wife might think something more is there.

 

*snip*

 

So I've been getting those little uncomfortable vibes for a while now, and well last night it was pretty acute.

 

*snip*

Hey... read some of the things you said? I think you know the answers already. IMHO, the body painting - no matter how big an oppurtunity - is a very bad idea. For you and for him. Looks like he may pay a lot more attention to you than his wife. Not a good place to be, especially living in their house. Sounds like you may have been there before her, but whatever, she is there now. Sometimes it is better to take your experience and move on.

 

BTW... I am really happy to see you are ready for another dog. I could not fathom your loss when you told us all about that.

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I agree w/ the moving suggestions, however...be absolutely SURE that you can live and share space and dog care w/ any future roomies.

 

I had a horrible situation freshman year (lived off campus) w/ a roomie and her dog I thought would be ok. Bottom line was that she and I had radically different ways of working with dogs and what we found acceptable canine behavior and along w/ some other household care issues, it resulted in my then roomie moving out mid-year and breaking her lease to do it.

 

Trust your gut whatever you do - I would've saved myself a lot of grief if I had done that then.

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We bought our current house in a crazy housing market when it would have been much, much, much easier (and cheaper) to get a condo. And then we dropped several thousand on a 6' privacy fence to keep the jumpers in (when we should have spent it on the leaky roof!)

 

To make it even more obvious, we bought both this house and our last home with the most important factor being a place to put our massive saltwater aquarium.

 

Make your housing decisions based on you and what's important to you. And if a dog is important to you (duh), make it a priority. I don't know what I would do if I lost my 3 babies like you lost yours.

 

Of course I do... get another dog. Silly me.

 

Good luck,

Danielle, Nik, Sasha, and Sassy

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I think I agree with others they are having issues in their marriage.

 

By her saying no dog when you might have gotten a dog this weekend it would probably make you move esp since she also added something to hurt your feelings.

 

She can then avoid looking at the real problem.

 

I suggest moving.

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Guest JoeysMom

Sarah,

 

It sounds to me like whether or not your landlords allow you to have a dog, there are going to be problems. Maybe you can discuss your concerns with both of them, maybe not. There seem to be underlying factors that are making your current living situation uncomfortable (for you, your landlords, or both). Based on that information alone, if working on the situation is not a viable (or preferable) option, perhaps you should seriously consider moving.

 

For what it's worth, I certainly think it's worth it for a dog. :rolleyes:

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Sarah,

I think you've already gotten your answer...if you are even "thinking" about moving because of not being able to have another dog, then that should tell you alot right there.

 

If it were me?!?! The answer would also be yes.

 

Whatever decision you come to I wish you the very best. You've been through enough in the last few months.

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Sarah - I think the wife wants you out and this is a sure fire way to do it. I think the hubby didn't talk to you because he's stuck in the mniddle. He doesn't want you to leave (you're a friend that shares similar interests and maybe more on his part) but he can't refuse his wife because then she'd KNOW something is going on.

 

Either way, it's not a healthy situation. I don't know how old this guy is, but if you are still in college and he's a successful artist, I'm guessing he's a bit older than you. Be careful. You may not think something is going on but he might and she sure does. Get out, get a dog and be happy.

 

You can always go to art galleries with your friend. Public places!!!

 

Denise

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Ditto what Ruth said and others. As one of my favorite Michelle Shocked songs go, "the secret to a long life is knowing when it's time to go." Not to diminish this decision at all by quoting lyrics, but I always found that line to be profound. Move. Change your circumstance. Best to you...I can't wait to see pics of the new pup. All in good time.

 

Good luck with your art as well. I am an artist too.

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Sarah,

 

I agree with what everyone has said. I have to admit I saw a few red flags in your post re: your relationship with your artist friend. I don't know how much personal experience with men you have or how old you are, but the truth is, most men have a really rough time maintaining platonic friendships with women, especially younger attractive ones.

 

No matter how ethical, or kind, or helpful this guy is, you have to just trust me when I say, there may be more to his feelings than meets the eye. Unless his wife is just extremely insecure, it is unlikely she is as far off base as you think. There is likely more going on than you know.

 

You are vulnerable right now d/t your tragic losses. Please be careful. I think you are better off in a less vulnerable situation, where you are not at the mercy of the whims of someone more powerful than you are. (owns the place, more money, more age experience, more life experience, more established artist = more powerful)

 

Just my opinion, I love men, especially my dh and relatives, but sometimes their motives are not as pure as they appear.

 

Hope I haven't overstepped my bounds too much, I just want you to be happy and not be hurt again.

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