Seeking behavior advice

[GoldWolf]

Hi guys, over the past two years I have read threads on here but I figured it was time to make my own account. I have yet to a thread that directly applies to what I am asking thus the account and this thread.

 

I have a 2 1/2 year old border collie out of a working bloodline here in Nevada. While I didn't get him to work with I have given him herding lessons and have done things to keep him both physically and mentally tired. In all reality he is my furry companion and pretty much goes with me where I go. About six months ago I had a major life change. I got married, moved into an apartment, and my husband and I got another dog. I recognize that is change is probably what has caused the behavior changes in him but I am not sure how to get back to the confident dog I had before. He now is very needy and whiny. He mopes around the house and in general just acts sad. I am home most of the time so it isn't as if he doesn't get to hang out with me (which is his favorite). The other dog is an English setter and they get along very well. They will wrestle and run around and this is one of the few times my border collie exhibits happy excited behavior. The other time is when we play ball or leave the house to go somewhere. It makes me sad to see him so depressed and lacking confidence around the house. I really am seeking advice for a whiny, needy, depressed border collie. I am willing to do anything for that furry, he is my baby. So if anyone has ideas I am all ears. This forum has been a huge help in the past and I am hoping it will be a help now.

[Guest Jule]

Hello, I am no expert so I am just guessing here. If I encountered this problem I think I would conclude that my dog might be homesick for his familiar territory. Waiting patiently to return to his home after visiting his friend "the English Setter" as he has no way of knowing you have actually relocated. I would probably direct my efforts into establishing the new "home" more by going away more often i.e.:camping trips or even just full days out etc. Make the return home a great experience each time so coming home to the "new home" is highly desirable. I would probably try to take him away and return home at least every second day for a few weeks to really imprint the "home" coming. I would probably commit to doing this for approx 2-3 weeks before expecting results and once I saw a little improvement back off to twice weekly days out. As I said, I am not an expert but this is what I would be thinking about. Hope your boy is feeling more at home soon.

[GoldWolf]

We go out a lot. Like 3 to 4 times a week. If I have an appointment and can fit in a walk in the hills or a trip to the park both dogs go. I worry it has a little to do with my husband also. He doesn't treat Blake (my bc) the same way I do. He doesn't like him and is often sticking things on his head or pushing him away

[urge to herd]

Congratulations on your life changes! Sounds like a lot has gone on for you and your bc. Is the apartment in a noisier part of town? Are there other changes that happened because you moved - like did he have a yard to play in and doesn't now? Did he have other doggy friends where you lived before that he doesn't get to see any more?

 

Give a good look at your daily routine to see what else, if anything, has changed. Jule gives a couple good ideas, you could try those out.

 

If he's still eating, and peeing/pooping are normal, then it's probably not a health issue. I might take him to the vet just to be sure if it goes on much longer.

 

Just read your response about how your husband treats Blake, sorry, but that's a big red flag for me. Border collies are pretty sensitive to how their humans feel. Your husband's teasing your dog is not helping, at the very least, and could be contributing. Can you talk w/Hubby and ask him to not do those things? Maybe phrase it as you are just trying to figure out why Blake is unhappy.

 

Good luck,

 

Ruth and Gibbs

[GentleLake]

Congratulations on your marriage.

 

I'm guessing the biggest problem is that your husband doesn't seem to like him. Border collies are extremely sensitive and that, coupled with the other changes and probably the fact that you don't have as much time to spend with him, are probably contributing a lot to this.

 

I once had to give a dog away because she just couldn't stand that my (thankfully now ex-) husband was always angry and yelling. She lived in constant fear when he was home, so it was the kindest thing to do for her. I'm not suggesting things are this bad with your dog, but am saying that you may have to reevaluate your situation.

 

I'd start with asking your husband why he doesn't like the dog and seeing if he'd be willing to treat him better. Ignoring him would probably be better than what he's doing now. I can understand not particularly liking a dog, but I can't understand treating the dog badly. Is it possible he (the hubby) is a jealous of the closeness you have with your dog? I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but honestly, it sounds to me like he's behaving rather childishly and I'd be inclined to tell him to grow up. Maybe if he'd be willing to spend some time training the dog tricks pr some other useful skills, using positive reinforcement only, he might develop his own bond with the dog.

 

Ruth may also be onto something in considering that the environment may be negatively affecting him. I've had a couple fosters who were so frightened of the sounds from the highway near my house that they refused to spend any time outside. So it could be noises in your neighborhood that he's uncomfortable with.

 

My money's on the hubby, though, and possibly the difference in the relationship between you and your dog now that he has to share you with him.

 

Best wishes. I hope you can find a way to make life more enjoyable for your dog.

[Guest Jule]

Oh yes, I am now absolutely seeing the same "red flag" that "urge to herd" is. All canine communication is based on energy and body language. BC's are particularly good at reading these things. There is no fooling a smart dog. I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with your husband or this is probably going to remain an unhappy dog. There is also the further risk that the dog may develop resentment towards your husband and start resource guarding, you are a valuable recourse to him particularly in an environment where, a) new home bad vibe from other human in home c) now sharing with another dog. Hopefully things won't get worse but to be honest I see a bit of a recipe for disaster being put together here.

As I suggested, have a good talk to your husband about this whole situation. "Love me, love my dog" or at least make a far better effort as it is cruel to subject the dog to constant negative energy. The human needs to be mature and intelligent about how he treats the dog

[Cass C]

I also think it is strongly related to the relationship between him and your husband. Border collies are very in tune with how humans are feeling and can shut down if they feel someone doesn't like them. It's great that you have a good relationship with the dog but it needs to be mutual with all members of the house with sensitive breeds like border collies. They can feel unwanted and that would make any creature sad.

 

Why does your husband do those things to your dog? If you aren't sure it's a good time to find out and stop it.

[gcv-border]

Not much to add, except to agree with the 'hubby problem'. I agree with a previous poster(s) that he needs to grow up with respect to how he treats the dog.

[Gloria Atwater]

..... I worry it has a little to do with my husband also. He doesn't treat Blake (my bc) the same way I do. He doesn't like him and is often sticking things on his head or pushing him away

 

Bingo. He's moved to a strange place, he has to share with another dog (even if they are pals) and most of all, he has to share YOU. He has to share the person who means the most to him in all this wide world with another human ... and that human doesn't like him.

 

So, my question is, why does your husband not like him? Why is he always sticking things on the dog's head? If he doesn't like the dog, (and I can't imagine why, since it's your dog and he should at least endeavor to value what you value) he should just ignore Blake.

 

But your mention of the husband pushing Blake away suggests to me that Blake is trying very hard to placate and appease your husband - and it's not working. That has to be very unnerving and upsetting to your poor dog. I mean, can you imagine having to live the rest of your life with someone who won't accept your overtures of friendship and in fact dislikes and picks on you?

 

That's a real shame. I think you and your hubby need to have a nice talk now. Not a big emotional upset, but just a little sit down to learn why he doesn't like the dog and asking him to stop teasing Blake. Husband needs to understand that border collies are very sensitive dogs, that they are bred to read the moods and movements of other, much larger animals in the blink of an eye and to respond accordingly. Without that sensitivity they would not be effective herding dogs, but it also makes them sensitive to other things - like whether another person likes or accepts them. If your husband can't like Blake, he should at least make an effort to accept and be kind to him.

 

That's all. Just accept him and be kind. That would probably help Blake settle in to the change of life better. I'd think right now the poor dog is feeling pretty displaced and confused.

 

Best of luck,

 

Gloria

[geonni banner]

I agree with those who feel that the husband is behaving inappropriately. It's hard for some spouses to come face to face with the reality that a dog can be an important person in the life of someone who is supposed to have only the spouse as "most important" person. It even happens when kids come along.

 

Sorry if this sounds mean, but the guy has an English Setter. He probably has a very different, much simpler relationship with his dog. In a very real way, this could put your dog directly into competition with him - from his point of view. I've been in relationship where the other said to me, "Yes, but you have a real relationship now. Time to let go of all that silly stuff." (Meaning the dog, and anything else that didn't revolve around him.)

 

It wasn't long after that little disclosure that I hit the road... Not saying that's what you should do, but in your shoes I would find it very important to convey that belittling my dog was a poor way to show respect for me. If the respect was not soon forthcoming, then I would have to do a serious evaluation of my situation.

 

My dog takes a backseat to no one - but I'm more than happy to share the front seat with 2.

[chene]

I see that you moved and got married - but not necessarily that you moved in with your husband. Were you living together before the move/marriage? I would only think that the husband thing would be the cause if you just moved in with him. If this stuff with him goes back further than the behavior changes, then I would be looking elsewhere for the cause.

[GoldWolf]

My husband is a dog person but he wasn't raised with inside dogs. All he has had are hunting dogs that live in a kennel in the garage. So having Blake and Maverick (The setter) in the house is some times difficult for him. He HATES the hair. I understand, it isnt my favorite also but it is just part of having a dog in the house. Also, he is not nearly as snuggly with his dog as I am with both dogs, so when we first moved in he didnt understand why I wanted to sit on the floor with the dogs and cuddle them. Blake is my child. He is my best friend and my husband has no understanding of that. We have come a long way but Blake still isn't my husbands favorite. I have already told him he has no right to treat my dog that way and he is a lot nicer to him. However, I do believe his attitude affects the way Blake behaves. Blake is sensitive. Even for a border.

 

As to the questions about lifestyle change. We came from large backyard, in a house filled with people and another dog. And yes, I knew when we moved out that living in a one bedroom apartment with two people was going to be a huge change. That was half the reason we got Maverick. Blake was exhibiting separation anxiety and howling for long periods of time while we were gone. Since Maverick that has gone away but (thinking about it now) Blake lost a space that was strictly his. At my old house my room was his room. He would go in there and sleep under my desk. He no longer has that plus that fact that he has to share the common area with another dog. Watching him today I noticed he spends a lot of time under an end table. I kinda think a crate of his own would be good for him. Any thoughts? It would give him the ability to get up and leave if something isnt to his liking.

[Gloria Atwater]

I think a crate of his own is a great idea. If you get him a wire one, you can toss a cloth over it to make it more den-like. Put a couple of toys in there for him, too, something he can enjoy but won't get in trouble with.

It does sound like a steep learning curve for the husband if he came from a life where dogs were outside animals, rather than indoor pets and companions. So, as someone who's been married for 28 years, I'll just say that communication is the key, so continue to explain your stance with your dogs to him, but also be mindful of his concerns. If it means extra vacuuming, so be it. I vacuum about every other day, even if it's just a lick and a promise. Also, if you guys decide to have a child, that will be huge - HUGE - in the way you deal with your dogs. So, make sure you keep communications open both ways.

But always stick up for your dog. If husband can't be nice, he should just leave the dog alone. Be kind, if he can't do anything else. A good man is mindfully kind to all things.

~ Gloria

[juliepoudrier]

^^Agreed. If you are able, maybe hiring a house cleaner to do a weekly deep cleaning would help with the hair issue. Blake needs to feel accepted of not exactly loved.

 

And absolutely get him a crate. If space and decor are an issue, you can find ones that look like regular furniture and don't scream "dog crate."

 

J.

[mum24dog]

I agree with what the others have said but would just like to say that he is not your "baby" or "child" and your husband should be your best friend. Try to see it from his pov. His reactions to the dog may be rather childish but I guess he thought that when you married he would be the most important thing in your life.

 

Also I think our opinions of what going out "a lot" differ somewhat. 3-4 times a week is not enough to give him a real break from the stressful situation he finds himself in. Once a day for an extended period would be the absolute minimum, and if you don't already try and include your husband and his dog in the outings.

[D'Elle]

I agree with what the others have said but would just like to say that he is not your "baby" or "child" and your husband should be your best friend. Try to see it from his pov. His reactions to the dog may be rather childish but I guess he thought that when you married he would be the most important thing in your life.

I will respectfully disagree with you, Mum24. I don't think that you really have the right to tell someone else "your husband should be your best friend". My dog will always be my best friend, whether I am in a relationship or not. It is different, should not be compared to my human relationship, and should not be an issue. If someone made an issue out of it I would probably just walk away from that person.

And if the OP feels that her dog is her "baby" I think that is not something that should be criticized, either, especially since you do not even know how she means that. I sometimes call my dogs my "babies". It is just an affectionate term. There is no harm in it, and it doesn't mean I think they are children, or human, or that I put silly clothes on them or don't treat them like dogs.

 

To the OP: I agree with others that this is probably primarily a problem with your husband's treatment of the dog. Maybe try to put yourself in the dog's place: he went from being your one-and-only and the center of your daily life, with an environment that he loved, to having no space of his own, and sharing you and the smaller living space with someone who rejects him and makes fun of him. (Or, at least, that is how I interpret "sticking things on his head"). I would be depressed, too. Your husband should treat your dog and, as Gloria so aptly said, everyone else, with mindful kindness. If he cannot or will not do that, I would fear that it is a bad warning sign for your future.

[chene]

I will respectfully disagree with you, Mum24. I don't think that you really have the right to tell someone else "your husband should be your best friend". My dog will always be my best friend, whether I am in a relationship or not. It is different, should not be compared to my human relationship, and should not be an issue.

 

This exactly. Thank you for putting it into words, I didn't know how to say it. There is more than one type of relationship in the world. They are as varied as the people in them, and there is no law that states that your husbands of wife needs to be this or that, or that compared to your dog they should be more important. It's a matter of knowing your spouse and finding someone whose needs and priorities match yours.

 

[Alfreda]

What came up for me as I began reading this was: "Love me, Love my Dog."

 

But it sounds as if your husband is trying, and that you are both communicating about each other's differences, and that mostly this is just a really big adjustment for everyone in your apartment.

 

Good idea to get a crate, to vacuum a lot. Those pethair sticky tape roller things are nice to have around too...

 

Maybe one day, many years in the future, your husband will suddenly realize he doesn't even notice dog hair any more, and even kind of likes it

[GentleLake]

Great post, D'Elle. Couldn't have said it better if I'd have had time to respond when it was posted, so I won't even try now.