Update on Pan

[nancy in AZ]

My sincere condolences. Rest assured, Pan did not die in vain. Your generosity in sharing your story-- complete with successes and failures-- is sure to help someone else who is struggling under similar circumstances. No one can doubt your commitment or your love for her. I think we can all take something of value away from Pan's story. Rest in peace, dear Pan.

[Elizabeth77]

I add my voice to the others. I send my sympathy to you because it must have been such a hard decision to make.

[Stoga]

As heartwrenching as your decision was, it was just as selfless. Run free Pan...

[Zap-n-Jo]

You did everything you could for Pan, ultimately making the most loving and courageous decision you could for her. We are sending you many hugs, pets, & licks.

[esox]

I, like many here, have followed your story. You put your heart and soul into helping Pan. No friend could want for more and no friend could give more. In the end you gave her the final kindness even though it broke your heart. God bless you and your family. Pan will be there for you at the bridge.

 

Esox & Alex

[ShoresDog]

I'm so sorry for you, your husband, and poor Pan. You really did give it your best try, and I hope you feel OK soon. There have been lots of good comments, and I especially agree with what Shanty posted:

 

I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope you take strength in taking her all the way to the end - not abandoning her, not letting someone else do it - I'm sure she had peace in those final moments with you.

[BCDreamer]

You did what's right for her. Having a dog who's "not quite right" (My GSD in terms of other dogs), I know how hard it is to live with them, and I can't imagine Bella's issues being directed at me.

 

You fought to keep her with you and happy for as long as you could. But in the end, you did was best for her by releasing her from a life where she wanted to be something she mentally couldn't be - I can only imagine that you've finally given her peace from fighting something she couldn't understand or change.

 

I was in tears reading this, and am still crying writing this. I hardly knew about Pan, but I can tell from your posts that you really tried with her, and I can only imagine the mixed feelings you're having now that she's gone.

 

May she rest in peace and may you find comfort in knowing that now she's happy, and she'll wait for you so that someday you can see the dog she really wanted to be for you.

 

(((HUGS))) From myself and my mixed herd.

[pansmom]

Well, thanks everyone. I am still feeling a lot of grief and guilt, so I'm going to try to channel it into something tangible and positive by volunteering at a local shelter. I've talked to someone locally and the volunteer coordinator has been great. Only thing is it's a pound, with an adoption row where the dogs are lifted out of the pound and into an adoption program coordinated with several area rescues. And the pound is a Lafayette pound so it uses gas... really this area is backwards. But part of the volunteer program's M.O. is to raise awareness in the community about responsible pet ownership and stop such a high number of animals from going into the pound, and I have several service-learning designated composition classes I'm teaching in the fall (where students volunteer as part of coursework), so I'm thinking of getting students involved in writing adoption profiles for these adoptable animals (the only ones the adoption coordinator says they deal with). And I've talked to my husband about possibly fostering dogs (he's still really upset about Pan - really depressed - he talks about it every morning and night in bed) and he's on board. Any advice you want to give me about fostering or volunteering would be great. I'm thinking of visiting the adoption shelter tomorrow or Friday. I'm planning to volunteer first on the advice of someone who's fostered before... Start slow, work myself up into actually considering fostering a dog.

[Cody & Duchess]

I volunteer at our local shelter. It is sometimes rewarding and sometimes very sad. I try to spend more time with the dogs that look at you with the "what am I doing here look"? The puppies are cute - but I know that they will be easily adopted. It is the dogs that are a little older that pull at my heart. Good luck, please forgive yourself, although we wish that we can control the world, we cannot.

[BustopherJones]

How to best remember a pet:

 

Sorrow fills a barren space;

you close your eyes and see my face

and think of times I made you laugh,

the love we shared, the bond we had,

the special way I needed you -

the friendship shared by just we two.

 

The day's too quiet, the world seems older,

the wind blows now a little colder.

You gaze into the empty air

and look for me, but I'm not there -

I'm in heaven and I watch you,

and I see the world around you too.

 

I see little souls wearing fur,

souls who bark and souls who purr,

born unwanted and unloved -

I see all this and more above -

I watch them suffer, I see them cry,

I see them lost, I watch them die.

I see unwanted thousands born -

and when they die, nobody mourns.

 

These little souls wearing fur

(some who bark and some who purr)

are castaways who - unlike me -

will never know love or security.

A few short months they starve and roam,

or caged in shelters - nobody takes home.

They're special too (furballs of pleasure),

filled with love, and each one a treasure.

 

My pain and suffering came to an end,

so don't cry for me, my person, my friend.

But think of the living - those souls with fur

(some who bark and some who purr) -

And though our bond can't be broken apart,

make room for another in your home and your heart.

 

~ Caro Schubert-James

[Caroline Reichard]

Well, thanks everyone. I am still feeling a lot of grief and guilt, so I'm going to try to channel it into something tangible and positive by volunteering at a local shelter... (but) the pound... uses gas... really this area is backwards.

 

Just my opinion, but I don't see how going to work at a pound and getting depressed day after day about the adorable dogs being killed there will help your sadness over Pan.

[pansmom]

Just my opinion, but I don't see how going to work at a pound and getting depressed day after day about the adorable dogs being killed there will help your sadness over Pan.

 

OK, maybe I wasn't clear, the organization I'm thinking of volunteering for is a volunteer/nonprofit adoption program for which dogs are lifted from the pound and saved to go to rescues, fosters, and adoptive homes. It's basically like a no-kill shelter that's only business is to save dogs from the pound, located at the same address, but in a specialized enclosed area. The volunteers only work with the adoptable dogs and cats. Frankly I think it's a great program, for an area like this. These are the kinds of programs that are able eventually to change the way pounds operate in communities like this one by raising awareness for the community to be more responsible pet owners and conscious of animal suffering and so forth. Also, it's a great organization to serve, because the more dogs you help get adopted out, the more they can save from the pound... I know it's sad, but life is what it is. Why ignore the suffering, when you can try to help change it? Even if you can only make a tiny dent, it's better than nothing. I'm going to visit it next Wednesday morning, and see if I can stomach it. I'm really sensitive, so there's a chance I might not be able to take it, and I understand that, but I am also really strong so we'll see. (That's why I'm visiting first.) I think it's a sad but worthy cause and this is what I am drawn to do. At least visit. And if I can't take it, emotionally, then the volunteer coordinator can point me toward some of the no-kill shelters housed on separate facilities that do the same thing.

[flyer]

Well, thanks everyone. I am still feeling a lot of grief and guilt, so I'm going to try to channel it into something tangible and positive by volunteering at a local shelter. I've talked to someone locally and the volunteer coordinator has been great. Only thing is it's a pound, with an adoption row where the dogs are lifted out of the pound and into an adoption program coordinated with several area rescues. And the pound is a Lafayette pound so it uses gas... really this area is backwards. But part of the volunteer program's M.O. is to raise awareness in the community about responsible pet ownership and stop such a high number of animals from going into the pound, and I have several service-learning designated composition classes I'm teaching in the fall (where students volunteer as part of coursework), so I'm thinking of getting students involved in writing adoption profiles for these adoptable animals (the only ones the adoption coordinator says they deal with). And I've talked to my husband about possibly fostering dogs (he's still really upset about Pan - really depressed - he talks about it every morning and night in bed) and he's on board. Any advice you want to give me about fostering or volunteering would be great. I'm thinking of visiting the adoption shelter tomorrow or Friday. I'm planning to volunteer first on the advice of someone who's fostered before... Start slow, work myself up into actually considering fostering a dog.

 

You have just been through a traumatic time. Be gentle with yourself. I think it might just be more heartbreak to work at the shelter.

 

I understand the grief and the guilt. The grief is natural. The guilt is self imposed. Time will heal both. Why don't you give yourself that?

 

Fostering sounds good, though are you really ready to take on dogs with some issues? My personal opinion is to give yourself and hubby a break for a while and then figure out what you want to do around dogs. You did the right thing by Pan. Just make sure you're not trying to punish yourself by working at that shelter.

[pansmom]

You have just been through a traumatic time. Be gentle with yourself. I think it might just be more heartbreak to work at the shelter.

 

I understand the grief and the guilt. The grief is natural. The guilt is self imposed. Time will heal both. Why don't you give yourself that?

 

Fostering sounds good, though are you really ready to take on dogs with some issues? My personal opinion is to give yourself and hubby a break for a while and then figure out what you want to do around dogs. You did the right thing by Pan. Just make sure you're not trying to punish yourself by working at that shelter.

 

That's a good point, but I'm not even going to visit until next week, and the first volunteer orientation isn't until August 15, and I can't actually volunteer until after I go to that. And we're not even considering fostering until after I've volunteered and understand the process. And also, I don't think I'll have time to volunteer more than once a week for like four hours or something. So I'm not going to be depressed day after day. It will just involve from what I understand, going in, walking dogs, writing profiles for their website and petfinder, that sort of thing. I really miss being around dogs. Pan was a huge project, and I was used to giving her hours of my day, every day - it was very rewarding when I still had hope, and on good days, before she'd swing back - and I miss that. I really don't think I'm punishing myself. I think I just want to keep being around dogs and take on a smaller more manageable project. But thank you for bringing that up. I will keep it in mind as I visit the shelter. It's quite possible I'm seeking a penance of some sort. I was after all raised Catholic.

[eclare]

pansmom,

I think your plans sound very healthy. From following your story here, it's clear to me that you are a very compassionate person, but have a clear sense of human limitations. I think it's great that you are going to volunteer, and I have a feeling that if it gets to be too much you'll know when and how to step back. It sounds like a wonderful group to volunteer for and I'm sure you will be a tremendous help.

 

I know your experience with Pan was extremely painful, but you provided her with the love and compassion that was otherwise missing in her life. And you've learned valuable lessons that will help you moving forward. I wish your family all the best and I hope you keep us updated with stories of your volunteering.

[Ms.DaisyDuke]

Well, I say go for it! After working so much with Pan, no doubt you miss the interaction and now you'll have that little bit of extra time to do some good.

I volunteer (and foster) with a rescue. We take stray, neglected, abused and feral cats and dogs from rural areas and first nations communities. We (those of us who choose to be that involved) see a lot of really bad things. A dog we just pulled had mange, had been hit by a car and shot in the back of the head before we could get him out, another had acid burns all over his face and was so fearful of humans we had to live trap him, he was completely shut down for months. BUT you have to see the bigger picture. The good you are doing. I tear up on a weekly basis about one case or another, but it's mostly because we've been able to make a difference, that animal is no longer in the bad situation it once was! But, I'm one of those volunteers that is involved in almost every aspect of the organization, so I see more than others normally would. You just have to go into the situation with your eyes wide open, that's all.

[flyer]

It's quite possible I'm seeking a penance of some sort. I was after all raised Catholic.

 

 

:D Thought maybe. Takes one to know one.

 

As one who works the front lines with the human animal I understand the desire to help, the rewards and the toll it can take. Just take good care of yourself is all I am saying. You're particularly vulnerable right now.

[Jedismom]

It's quite possible I'm seeking a penance of some sort. I was after all raised Catholic.

 

I don't know about penance. I wasn't raised Catholic. I do however believe that people and animals and situations come into our lives for a reason. Without Pan, you would probably not have acquired the immense knowledge you now have on dogs and dog behavior. I believe you will use that knowledge to help other animals, and fostering would be a great way to do that. Everyone goes through the grieving process differently. You know yourself better than anyone on this board. Take your time and do what's right for you. When my dog "Chin" died a few years ago, I was depressed until I adopted Cadi a couple of months after he died. I seemed to need another dog in my life. Some wait much longer, some sooner. Fostering could help you decide whether another dog in your home is the right thing at this time. One might even end up being a failed foster.

 

Take care...

[Sasha's Mom]

As a foster family, I think it's a good way to heal. Penance? You've paid your dues m'dear.

 

 

I really can't add anything to the others, other than that I was also following Pan's saga, and hope your pain eases soon.

 

Hugs and puppy kisses (but not the current foster puppies and their blasted kennel cough)

Danielle, Nik, Sassy, Sasha, Zoe, Rue, and the unnamed Seven Orphans.

[ejano]

This is a dog who bites her owners, hates to be pet, will strike out at us if we touch her, and thinks we are constantly trying to steal her food. Also she is petrified of outside noises, and goes into fits over them, redirecting at us and pets... For other dogs, I think behaviorists and medication can be very successful; Dr. Haug has seen great success with many similar cases. But with Pan, as another poster said, I am going to try to think of what we are doing as giving her peace, and not feel too guilty: I love her too much to stay on this terrible rollercoaster ride with her anymore.

 

 

I haven't been following the discussion of Pan's treatment, but there is a condition called "Rage" that sets in at about four years of age, where the dog literally turns into a werewolf. As sad as it is, you have made the right choice. This kind of instability is a physical condition, a disease like any other and when it takes over, that's when we have to the hard thing. In the end, we do have dominion over our animals and we need to make good choices and it is love that drives us. I lost a dog in February so I know it will take time for you, but there are so many, many unloved, unwanted, healthy, stable dogs that need a good home - one of them will surely find you.

 

Liz

[ejano]

That's a good point, but I'm not even going to visit until next week, and the first volunteer orientation isn't until August 15, and I can't actually volunteer until after I go to that. And we're not even considering fostering until after I've volunteered and understand the process. And also, I don't think I'll have time to volunteer more than once a week for like four hours or something. So I'm not going to be depressed day after day. It will just involve from what I understand, going in, walking dogs, writing profiles for their website and petfinder, that sort of thing. I really miss being around dogs. Pan was a huge project, and I was used to giving her hours of my day, every day - it was very rewarding when I still had hope, and on good days, before she'd swing back - and I miss that. I really don't think I'm punishing myself. I think I just want to keep being around dogs and take on a smaller more manageable project. But thank you for bringing that up. I will keep it in mind as I visit the shelter. It's quite possible I'm seeking a penance of some sort. I was after all raised Catholic.

 

 

There's no penance involved here...and you owe yourself a healthy, problem free dog after this experience. You do need to fill your time but, from one who's been there, be very wary of bringing home the first dog that pulls at your heartstrings....

[pansmom]

There's no penance involved here...and you owe yourself a healthy, problem free dog after this experience. You do need to fill your time but, from one who's been there, be very wary of bringing home the first dog that pulls at your heartstrings....

 

Oh yes! That I know. I already looked at the foster questionnaire and I thought long and hard about it and talked to my husband and then checked "adult" and "senior" and "low to moderate" activity level. And then wrote a bunch of stuff about wanting if at all possible a laid back temperament and explaining why. The thing is I *love* border collies now - the intelligence, the drive to learn, the activity - so the next dog I adopt I think I want to be a BC (an older rescue, who has already been fostered, with a good temperament), but I'm thinking the first dog we foster, when we do so, should probably be a basset hound or something (friends have basset hounds and as a child, we kept a basset / retriever mix outside that I was crazy about as a kid, so I know their tendencies). Something low key and easier, a dog we can help without having to tax our skills. And then only once I feel more confident with my skills as a handler, and we have moved from this house to something larger with a big field out back, will I go back to border collies. There is a border collie (purebred, god knows what kind of breeding) in adoption row at the place I am going to volunteer. I can't wait to meet him. Looking at his picture, my heart says FOSTER HIM but I think it might be a bad idea. He's only four months old and there could be problems in his temperament that we don't know about now with his mystery background which could show up as he gets older. When I told my husband, at first he said, oh my god, we're getting that dog aren't we, laughing - but then he said maybe we should wait a while before we even take in a foster. He wants us to go on a trip and get out of here for a while before we get another dog, and then school starts... And I think I should volunteer at this place first and take some time to grieve naturally and learn their process and really meet these dogs before I jump into anything. Maybe I should just post the border collie on the adoptables section here? (I don't even know how they know he is pedigree. I should find out...)

[bc4ever]

I guess in the end, it's purely an individual decision. I know a lot of folks who've lost their dogs and swore they'd never get another one. But, a few months later they have a new addition to their family. Just before Christmas one of my students at the senior center lost her beloved Jack Russel. She was lonely without him but said that was it, she'd never have another dog. Too painful when they die. About a month ago, she wheeled into the ceramics room with a big smile on her face, proudly holding a Chihuahua in her lap. You'll know when the time is right.

[BustopherJones]

Chihuahua = laprat.

[bc4ever]

Chihuahua = laprat.

Yeah, wouldn't have been my first choice! LOL! But, she seems happy. Then again, I'm not crazy about JRs either.