ThunderHill Posted July 20, 2009 Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 Pansmom, you have done an outstanding job. For a really long time. With limited resources. Under difficult circumstances. You've gone far beyond what most people would; you deserve only admiration. And sympathy. Sometimes winning is just not in the cards. It takes courage and integrity to face up to that, as well. Sometimes we get so caught up in the struggle, we can't see any more that at some point, true mercy means ending the misery. You have guts, and you have your head on straight. It's okay to let go of the cactus. And afterwards, when you realize how much less hurting is all around you, don't feel guilty at your relief. It will be okay. When things were going better for you and Pan, a couple of weeks ago, I began a post (lost in an internet spasm) congratulating you on the skills of balance, observation, and implementation you have learned so quickly in this war you've fought with the powers of darkness for Pan's soul. You have acquired some awesome tools to carry forward with you, for interactions of every kind. Future animal companions, future friends, future children, especially -- I suspect they are going to benefit ways that can't be imagined right now from the skills and knowledge Pan has taught. When you are grieving for Pan, remember to thank her for the difficult but priceless knowledge that will be part of her legacy. There is a saying, "Great tests are a great gift." (To which I've always added privately, "If we can only understand!") It seems to me that you have been sorely tested. I hope that with the passage of time, the consequent blessings will come clear. And peace. This is such a hard hard place to be. Godspeed, Pan. You are loved. Be free now. Liz S Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bc friend Posted July 20, 2009 Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 Pansmom - you have my deepest sympathy. From your posts, it is clear that Pan is incurably ill and her quality of life will only deteriorate. Mental illness, whether in a human or a dog, is a horrible experience for everyone. You're doing the best thing for Pan that you can in giving her peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 Devils Posted July 20, 2009 Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 Pan will no longer have the demons to fight within her. You have tried more than most and you should be commended. You have learned many things that can be utilized in the future. I am very sorry for what you are going through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
urge to herd Posted July 20, 2009 Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear this, but IMO, you are a hero. You went to heroic lengths to help this dog, and it turns out she can't be helped. Now you're doing the heroic thing by giving her an end to her terrors, in a kind and loving way. I live with a very 'not right upstairs' dog myself, and as someone else said, it's only chance that Shoshone isn't human aggressive. Please do check in, we all want you to know you're in our hearts every day. Ruth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbc1963 Posted July 20, 2009 Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 You are making the best decision you can - not the easiest, but the right and best one. I've followed your story like so many others, because I see part of my dog in your dog. And I echo others in feeling lucky that my dog's issues with fear aggression don't cause him to act out at humans - which makes his life much more manageable. Your story will leave a record for a lot of other people in the same situation, and give peace to many who have to take the same road as you. Wherever Pan goes, she will go without her fear - and when she greets you she'll be whole and happy, the way she wanted to be in life. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soda-pop Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Pansmom, you have done an outstanding job. For a really long time. With limited resources. Under difficult circumstances. You've gone far beyond what most people would; you deserve only admiration. And sympathy. Liz S Liz put it exactly how I would. Peace for both of you on this difficult day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bordercentrics Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 We are so sorry. Sometimes, when they are not wired right, there is no solution. They will continually revert, as Pan did, to the dangerous behavior. I hope you can come to terms with your decision, and realize that you have released her from something that she could not control, and therefore could not live a happy life. You went overboard in your search for solutions and I admire you very much. I think Pan does, too. Kathy and Steward Robbins Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pansmom Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Thanks everyone. She started to fight it at the end, but I had her watch me and she stayed calm. Then I got to hug her and kiss her, and I CANNOT EXPRESS THE RELIEF I FELT JUST TO BE ABLE TO FINALLY SHOW HER MY LOVE AFTER SO LONG. I cried and cried. As I told the vet, she WANTED so badly to get pet, constantly, and I also think she wanted to be a good dog. She just couldn't, no matter how hard she tried. Now I miss her very much and your kind words about how she couldn't control herself help very much. Hopefully her absence from my house and my routine (which has revolved around her for so long) will stop being so painful in a few days... and I will be able to thank her for the skills she has taught me. I also hope she visits me in my dreams sometime over the next few nights. And that she forgives me, for not being able to help, and can show me her love. In the vet office, my husband got really choked up and cried a little. I've never seen him cry before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MickeyDogs Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Pan's anxiety is now gone and she is at peace, a peace she couldn't find in life. She was one incredibly lucky dog to have had you and no doubt she knows that. Peace to you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Journey Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Godspeed Pan. Run free and be happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedismom Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Mary, I'm praying for peace for you and your husband. You are incredibly strong and will get through this. Yes, Maam ...Run free..little one and have your day in the sun now. Georgia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerfulgazelle Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Mary, Sending you wishes for peace. Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sluj Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Mary, you did all you could, and far more than most would have. I'm sure wherever she is, Pan knows that and holds you no grudge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyer Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 There is no need for Pan to forgive you. You did help. More than many many people ever would have and it was you who released her from the fear she lived with so constantly. That takes courage and fortitude. She is lucky to have had you. I hope you find comfort soon. Peace to you and your husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanty Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope you take strength in taking her all the way to the end - not abandoning her, not letting someone else do it - I'm sure she had peace in those final moments with you. I cannot see Pan's picture without seeing my Truman - they look like twins. This makes me sad, but I hope you see the beautiful bits of Pan in others around you too. I'm sure your knowledge and abundunt love will become a blessing to another creature who can fully benefit from it when Pan couldn't. Good night. All of us who have lost a pet or loved one are thinking of you tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Mary, This is what I wanted to say. I thank Liz S for putting my thoughts into words: You have acquired some awesome tools to carry forward with you, for interactions of every kind. Future animal companions, future friends, future children, especially -- I suspect they are going to benefit ways that can't be imagined right now from the skills and knowledge Pan has taught. When you are grieving for Pan, remember to thank her for the difficult but priceless knowledge that will be part of her legacy. You have contributed so much here on the BC Boards, in so many ways. I so admire the open, thoughtful and generous nature you have displayed among us and with your own family members, human and nonhuman alike. Pan's tale is a sad one, but I will remember most your description of the peace that came to each of you at the end. Thank you for all these things. Adios Good Monster.... (where is the icon for "bittersweet"?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carson Crazies Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 I hope that you and your husband will find peace and comfort. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BustopherJones Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 High up in the courts of Heaven today A little dog-angel waits. With the other dogs she will not play, She just sits alone at the Gates. ”For I know my Mistress will come”, says she, ”And when she comes, she will call for me.” And her Mistress far down on the earth below, As she sits in her easy chair Forgets sometimes, and she whistles low For the dog that is not there; And the little dog-angel cocks her ears And dreams that her Mistress' call she hears. And I know when at length her Mistress waits Outside in the dark and cold For the hand of Death to open the gates That lead to the Courts of Gold, The little dog-angel's eager bark Will comfort her soul while she's still in the dark. ~ Adapted from a poem by Norah M. Holland, 1870 Via con Dios, Pan. Rest easy... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alligande Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 I just wanted to add that I have followed your journey with Pan and been amazed at your perseverance and loyalty to her, I do not think there are many people that would have undertaken the journey that you did. Thank you for your open posts about Pan it has been an education. Best Wishes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DebC Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Sending you {{{{hugs}}}} My heart goes out to you and your husband - These words I cling to when being tossed about in the troubles life sometimes throws - "there must be a reason". I truly believe that, even though the reason may not be apparent until long after the original event. You have gained valuable tools and experience that will help you in the future, and you have given others help by sharing your story. I think you may find Pan visiting you in ways unexpected, not just in your dreams. You have given her peace. Take care Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juliepoudrier Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'm sorry. You did your best, and sometimes the best thing for a dog is release from this life. Don't feel guilty. You tried for Pan and she just wasn't able to respond in the way we all would have liked. At least you know that you tried, so you don't have to wonder about the "What ifs?" and you made sure that Pan won't continue to live a life of fear and misunderstanding. My prayers go out to you and your husband, and to Pan, who is finally fear free. J. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MicheleS. Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Pansmom- I admire your strength and courage to do the right thing for your dog in so many ways. In time, I know you will be able to thank Pan for everything she has taught you. Hugs and peace to you and your family. Michele & Hughie & Gypsy & Chase Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phej Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 I am so sorry... sending lots of healing thoughts your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pansmom Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Thank you everyone. I miss her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollie&Me Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Bless you, Mary, for trying so hard. And bless you for giving Pan every bit of your trust, love, and finally, peace. You are to be admired. Rest in peace, Pan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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