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~Dog Jokes~

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Got these in an email and thought that I would share I know you've most likely seen em before but they are still funny !




How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


Golden Retriever:

The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


Border Collie:

Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.



You know I can't reach that dumb stupid lamp!



Make me.



Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?


Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.


Jack Russell Terrier:

I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.



I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


Cocker Spaniel:

Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


Doberman Pinscher:

While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.



Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......



Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.



Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


Irish Wolfhound:

Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....



I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....



It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd:

First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....


Old English Sheep Dog:

Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?


German Shepard:

Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"


Hound Dog:




Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?



The Dog's Diary


7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!



They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?

--Larry Reeb


I went to an exclusive kennel club. It was very exclusive. There was a sign out front: "No Dogs Allowed."

--Phil Foster


About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.

--Edgar Watson Houe 1853-1937 American Journalist.


A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

--Ogden Nash


The great pleasure of a dog is that you make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, he will make a fool of himself too.

--Samuel Butler


My dog can read

I was introducing my dog to a restaurant under renovation that he was to guard. The dog had a strange quirk in that he would not go through a tight spot. A door had to be wide open or he would balk. (I guess he had been caught by a spring door when he was younger.)

There was a section of the building with posh furniture and carpet. Access to the section was through an opening in a planter wall. I didn't want the dog to go into that section, so I placed a "THIS SECTION CLOSED" sign in the middle of the opening, and said "See that?".... The dog looked, and we walked on.

A workman shouted "Hey are you saying that dog can read?"

I replied "Well, watch.", and I squeezed past the sign but the dog who had been at my side in perfect obedience, planted four feet and wouldn't go through, no matter how much I shouted and tugged.


I moved the sign (now there was lots of room), and the dog walked through as though nothing was wrong.

Each time the sign was in the doorway, the dog couldn't be forced through; remove it and he would trot on through.

Somewhere there is a work crew that believes my dog can read. .... Bev McQuain

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Excerpts from a Cat's diary


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre

little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh

meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only

thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and

the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the

occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat

another house plant.


DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by

weaving around their feet while they were walking

almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the

stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these

vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit

on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.


DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the

headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I

am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their

hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a

good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to



DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.

For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.

This time however it included a burning foamy chemical

called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a

liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb

still stuck between my teeth.


DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their

accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the

event. However, I could hear the noise. More

importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to

MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and

how to use it to my advantage.


DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are

flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely

released and seems more than happy to return. He is

obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has

got to be an informant, and speaks with them

regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due

to his current placement in the metal room his safety

is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of



Here is the other half of the dogs Diary

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Those are funny. I have seen some of them, but not all of them before. Thanks for the laughs :rolleyes:

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Saw another one today. Cats vs Dogs



What is a Cat?


Cats do what they want.


They rarely listen to you.


They?re totally unpredictable.


When you want to play, they want to be alone.


When you want to be alone, they want to play.


They expect you to cater to their every whim.


They?re moody.


They leave their hair everywhere.


They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.


Conclusion: They?re tiny women in little fur coats.




What is a Dog?


Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.


They can hear a package of food being opened half a block away, but don?t hear you when you?re in the same room.


They can look dumb and lovable at the same time.


They growl when they?re not happy.


When you want to play, they want to play.


When you want to be alone, they want to play.


They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.


They leave their toys everywhere.


Conclusion: They?re tiny men in little fur coats

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